i took this name partly because i thought it'd be cute, like, haha, look at me, i have a sense of humor about how weird my whole gender/sexuality thing is, isn't that relatable, isn't that fun. it is fun, i think, if you think about it in a certain way.
but also, i think a big part of my writing (and i think of this platform as a way to do part of what i did with writing in a new way) is coming to grips with that part of myself. im a trans woman who likes men. when i was little, i was paralyzed by the word fag. it caused me to freeze up, to cry, to feel inadequate, and now, i really like the idea of reclaiming the word. in a lot of ways i conform to feminine expectations and being That Way, that Kind of feminine, makes me happy. i think when i finally told myself that i could be That Way, that i was allowed to be a woman, and specifically that Kind of woman, it threw my sexuality into a bit of a loop. i struggled just as much with coming to terms with being a gay man, even more, and now i suddenly wasn't. except it wasn't like my lust changed, so like, was i not still "gay?"
nowadays i don't think i am. nowadays i think the set theory of gay and straight shouldn't dominate my feelings. i am a woman, and i like men. i'm straight, but not the same kind of straight as my mom, or my friends, or any other woman. nobody is gay or straight in the same way as another person. but i still feel like since people can (and have) use fag to malign me that i can use the word, and i think it's fun, so here we are