my boyfriend came into the city and we ate delicious chicken that was perfectly spicy (i got a runny nose) and then we sat in the park and watched basketball and talked about nothing, then we got ice cream and italian ice which i finally learned wasn't just an unfancy term for gelato, we came home and cuddled and watched twin peaks.
sometimes i feel unworthy of love. i think this is a pretty typical feeling for transwomen, or trans people in general, but especially the crossroads of internalized transphobia and internalized misogyny makes that a unique cocktail of sad invasive thoughts. laying there with my boyfriend, him touching me so warmly and laying against me, i had the thought of "im amazed this man could love me," and when i expressed it, it made him sad. he felt like he wasn't Doing Boyfriend adequately after a few weeks of absence due to travel and sickness, and i think hearing that made him feel even worse about it, but really, it was just a flare up of internalized bad thoughts. he's very sweet, but he has his own baggage of self-esteem stuff, and i need to and want to treat him gently too because of it.
it doesn't help that im basically forced to mother my elderly father in this apartment that he causes to be insanely messy. my room is forced to deal with insane horder junk that i can't wait to be rid of when i move in with my boyfriend "soon," as soon as we have a better than 0 financial footing. i am a big proponent of the idea that your external space weighs down, for weal and woe, on your internal life. i want to get away from this space, i want to just spend time with this man i love, in quiet moments i'd love to be a 1950s tradwife homemaker with 2.5 children but i know that is unrealistic in our world and ill settle for just making a home that is his and mine.
i hate going to sleep away from him. i hate sleeping in a lonely bed. i am not designed to sleep alone. im very grateful my roommate's cat loves sleeping with me, but it doesn't hold a candle to sleeping with the man i love. i'll be patient for now.