Shin_May_666

about a month or so ago. i was very nervous on the lead up, though i was able to get my mom to stay with me before i was sent off to surgery, and that was nice. bowel cleansing was less traumatic this time as well.

i was/am shocked at how relieved i felt after i woke up. it's hard to hold onto that feeling tightly, but at the moment i was nearly in tears about how wonderful it felt to finally be done with this, to only have recovery to deal with, that that thing was finally gone. I didn't think I cared that much, that I had to focus on the upsides rather than any sort of dysphoria that i was resolving, but i guess not.

the hospital was nice. i only got to stay a few days but the nurses were very kind and i had a constant stream of visitors who took care of me. The food sucked overall with one exception. i hate catheters. my bf drove my mom and me to our airbnb and that was nice, it was like a cool hide out and then we had cuban food. recovery was boring at the start especially with tubes coming out of me. then a little later we went to the post op and i had the tubes taken out and that week was pretty hard for recovery, i was so swollen and going to the bathroom was so hard. i popped my stitches and had a minor freakout but it was apparently pretty minor and normal.

I came back home last week. my brother and bff/roommate are here to take care of me/my dad while i recover, at least my brother for another week. they fell for each other while i was here lol, it's cute but both of them are moving pretty fast but im not their mom so like whatever. they've known each other for a while so it's not the craziest thing, my roommate makes a lot of sense for my brother's taste and i think it'd be a pretty normal match. im feeling a lot better. time is already eroding my memory of that relief i felt post-surgery. i just have a vagina now and that's great. i am hoping this little post will be something i can look back on and remember a little bit how i felt before a time in my life where having a vagina was just normal for me.

it's frustrating, im a very sexual person who masturbates pretty regularly and i don't feel like i can safely masturbate right now which is a bummer. im sure with swelling going down it'll be better. im feeling better now. im tired of being unable to sit and i wanna start moving forward with getting back in education but for now i know i need to just chill out.

all in all pretty good, would recommend getting a vagina if you want one

i am going to get a vagina soon. i saw a gif of the vaginoplasty process and it kind of freaked me out. i almost had vaginoplasty a few months ago and i had a panic attack waiting for the surgery. i've talked with a psych since, and i think i do want the surgery, it's just very scary. there's a part of me that thinks i might regret it, but when i sit down and think through it rationally, i can't think of a single reason why i would want to keep my penis and/or balls. i just know it's this big Thing, like, an event that should only be taken by people who know "they are a woman" and whose bottom dysphoria fucks with them on a critical level. i know im a woman, but i feel like the fact that i am as freaked out by surgery as i am means on some level that im unworthy of surgery, that i'll wake up and think "oh no now that i don't have a penis i understand why i would want it." and then i'll live a life of regret.

every step of my transition has made me happier, but i've had to do some really unpleasant things to get those steps done in a time and cost effective way. i have insurance because of living with my father who is deeply freaked out at my transition. so part of my life is that i have to deal with the things he says, and by mistake i told him about this surgery and that has gotten him to say some messed up things to me. my superego is constructed in large part by him and so when he says "you'll regret it" and "you're not a woman" and "you're being tricked" there's this part of me that freaks the fuck out.

so then each time i resolve not to get vaginoplasty i start crying crying crying. i cried at the thought of not getting it, i cried at the thought of it being delayed, i cry at how difficult sex can be with just a butthole, how it can never be truly spontaneous, how it feels "less than." so i think i want it, im pretty sure i want it. i just wish i didn't have all this baggage as well. if there was a button and i could press it and i'd have a vagina, a vaginoplasty vagina not even a womb and the expansive easy vagina that ciswomen have, i'd press it, and i think the fact that i'd press it means i should get this surgery even if it's scary. the surgery is scary, pain is scary, dehiscence is scary, dilating is scary, all of the 1% bad stuff is scary, but if i could i'd have a vagina right now without the scary stuff, so i think i should be brave and just deal with the scary stuff, so that future me can have the thing that present me would press a button to have.