In spite of some of my misgivings of No Rings Attached, I feel like I'm actually getting a lot of mileage out of it in terms of thinking about romance and how it works as a whole. So I've got yet another post for you inspired by the book that is not technically part of my analysis of the book!
Also, though I give credit to the book for inspiring it, this post is mostly standalone, with effectively no spoilers of the book except using an observation from one of the protagonists as a reference point for discussion, and that observation is:
For Lia, generally she finds that she'll either have sexual chemistry with someone, or she'll enjoy hanging out and spending time with someone, but she doesn't usually feel both ways towards a person simultaneously.
This got me thinking about the differences between sexual, romantic, familial, and platonic feelings. So what's going on with these?
So like, I know I'm far from the first to think about this topic. In my experience, whenever people talk about the different types of love, it's easy for it to come back to the three types that Greek philosophers came up with, and here's a summary if you need a reminder or haven't run across it yourself:
- Éros: Sexual, passionate love
- Storge: The kind of love between parents and children
- Philia: Affection and partnership between friends
And yes I'm probably overgeneralizing a bit, and different philosophers had different takes on it, as is the nature of this topic. But my point is, it always seems to come back to a general sense that there is some kind of difference between sexual, familial, and platonic love. But I have a few issues with this premise, one being that I feel that it's overly clinical. But the main issue I want to center on today is the following:
I see romance as its own emotion, distinct from sexuality, distinct from familial, distinct from platonic. And yes, "emotion" in the same way that happiness is an emotion, sadness is an emotion, and anger is an emotion, but romance is an emotion separate from all of these as well.
So I do feel that most people have at least a subconscious understanding of this idea. After all, "sexual" and "romantic" are separate categories in the common parlance of sexual identification (for example, someone can be homosexual but panromantic). This is especially reinforced by the fact that we have words for "asexual" and "aromantic" separately, as well, indicating that some people can feel one but not the other.
But I think the conversation gets complicated a lot by the fact that people don't put as much focus on distinguishing between all four of the types of love I've described, and... that's not a complaint, there's not generally a reason for people to advertise that they only have platonic or familial feelings towards certain genders. Nonetheless, I think it results in issues of miscommunication and mismatched expectations.
Because here's the thing: I assume it's normal for most people to be capable of feeling all four feelings to some degree. But the degree to which they feel these feelings differs, and more critically... I think a lot of people only ever feel some of these types of love in combination with other types of love, and this leads to a confusion about how to define any of these types of love.
Let's start with the Greek words as an example. In that original trio, there is not a word specifically for "romance". However, I believe the implication is that romance is something that is a part of Éros, alongside feelings of a more sexual nature.
I think this is a common way of looking at it. Again, I think people in general do recognize some difference between sex and romance, but I think most people also generally consider the two feelings to be naturally intertwined with each other. There's different words for "sexual" and "romantic" identity, but most people don't bother distinguishing between them; usually they use one word and leave people to conclude that the word encompasses both romantic and sexual feelings.
But even here, the way people assume them to be intertwined will be different from each other. I think some people assume that a relationship will start with sex, and then, if there's a deeper connection, the relationship will grow to include romance. I think other people look at it like sexual interest isn't something that really happens unless there's a deeper connection already there, so it's the opposite; first feelings of romance develop, and then eventually, those romantic feelings become deep enough to include sexual feelings.
And then I think there's people for whom these two feelings are never separate from each other. They always start feeling sexual feelings towards someone simultaneously with romantic feelings, if either feeling happens at all. And so it's harder for these people to really understand the difference between "sexual" and "romantic" except in terms of which kinds of relationship actions the two words are associated with--not which feelings the two words are associated with.
I think this kind of thing creates subtle disconnects in communication that almost no one ever really picks up on. Because while the three types of people I described above might be able to talk with each other about sex and romance, and they can do it in a way that they never realize that the three of them are actually experiencing these feelings in different ways from each other, their differences in feelings can lead to enough differences in actions and expectations that they could easily become angry or frustrated with each other if they were to try to get into romantic or sexual relationships with each other.
Public service reminder: This issue is one of many reasons why it's a good idea to be as open with your partner about your feelings, wants, needs, boundaries, and expectations as possible!
But I think this issue gets even further complicated by the fact that this issue can repeat or compound itself with the other types of love as well. I'll try to give an example.
So, other than No Rings Attached, another thing that has me thinking about this topic is my attempts to learn more about the feelings of asexual/aromantic people. I do my best, but I always feel like I don't quite get what they're trying to describe about some things--and on some level it's understandable, when they're trying to get at what distinguishes their feelings from mine, and they're trying to do it by trying to describe an emotion they're not capable of feeling. But I've gotten the impression that other factors come into play, and those factors involve the fact that they still feel these other types of love.
And I want to make it clear I'm not trying to speak for other people, or represent them, what I'm describing here is only my attempts to understand what it is they're saying:
I know aromantic people can still feel feelings of affection towards other people, just not romantic ones--more familial or platonic connections. And I know that asexual people can still feel the desire to be physically affectionate with others--hugging and such, maybe even sex in some cases specific to the person. It's just that feelings of sexuality aren't associated with those desires--again, it's something more familial or platonic.
But like... sometimes the actions they describe are the kinds of things I'd only feel comfortable doing with someone if I had romantic feelings towards that person, and it inevitably makes me wonder: Does this person actually feel romantic feelings in the same way I do, and just calls it something different, and maybe feels the emotion towards a larger number of people than I do? Or is it a case of, because they don't feel any romantic feelings at all, they don't think anything of taking what I see as romantic actions and combining them with more casually friendly actions, because there isn't any feeling of affection for them other than "friendship", and therefore any indication of affection is equally fair game?
And more to the point, is there a way for me to ever know, regardless of how much we communicate?
Again, I must reiterate the point that this is one of many reasons that it's important to communicate about what you're feeling. It seems obvious to me that there will never be 100% consensus between any two people about exactly what all the types of love are, or what any of them feel like, or how frequently you feel them and towards what kinds of people or in response to what things. There will never be that total consensus between two people, let alone the majority of humanity, or even any given subculture.
You can never speak for others, but you can always speak for yourself. (And even "I don't know what I'm feeling" is a fair way to speak for yourself, if it's truthful.) And so as long as you communicate your feelings as best as you can, and whoever you're in a relationship communicates theirs, then it doesn't matter if your feelings match each other exactly--you can navigate the relationship and adjust it in a way that makes both of you happy. You don't have to relate to someone, or even understand them completely, to love them and care for them.
So, before I call this post "complete", I suppose it's only appropriate for me to do my best to describe my own feelings the best that I can:
How I personally experience the different types of love
- Sexuality: I used to have an extremely powerful sex drive and got horny frequently, sexually attracted to people even if I had no idea who they were. My sex drive has decreased considerably since I started on antidepressants and HRT, but I do still feel it occasionally. Even when I'm not actively feeling it, though, I still assign sort of a... personal emotional fascination for the kind of picture I know would've gotten me super horny, and I feel like that's just the form that my sexual attraction takes now in my current state? Also, orientation-wise, femininity is a turn-on for me and masculinity is a turn-off.
- Romance: I'm hella romantic. (Hopefully that's obvious by my choice of topics for this blog.) I've always wanted to be with someone special to me since I was a very young child, well before puberty, and antidepressants and HRT have done nothing to diminish that. I can get a romantic crush on someone before I get to know them, if they have a certain kind of physical attractiveness about them, but this is a separate kind of physical attraction from sexual physical attraction. I suspect I could develop romantic feelings for a lot of different people, maybe even masc people... but girls are gonna have a lot fewer hurdles to overcome to reach that point with me, so I still consider myself primarily "lesbian" in this regard.
- Platonic and Familial: My default definition for "platonic friendship" is "person I'm willing to hang out with for fun." I view familial as a development and deepening of a platonic relationship, now including the additional feeling of "person I actively want to be around, and wish to actively support." It can be more complicated than that, I suppose, but overall I think it's fair to call it a sliding scale from one to the other.
In regards to how I distinguish between the above feelings even further... Let's consider how I feel when I see someone new, just some stranger with no additional context. As a default, I have a general social anxiety that makes me a bit wary to interact with other people, but unless I see some red flags right off the bat, I'm willing to give it a shot. It may develop into platonic friendship, and later on, familial friendship (unless our values and interests don't fit with each other).
If I find a stranger to be physically attractive in a sexual way, feeling this way about them does not make me want to get to know them any more than I would any other stranger; if anything, it's just another layer of intimidation for me.
However, if a stranger is immediately attractive to me in a romantic sense, if I get a crush on them, this does propel me to actively attempt to develop a deeper friendship with them. I will probably also be more forgiving of any red flags they display, if I'm being honest. That said... though it might take longer, I think I do inevitably separate from this type of person if our interests and values don't match up enough.
But overall, I do have separate feelings regarding sexual, romantic, and platonic connections when I meet someone for the first time. If I immediately experience sexual or romantic attraction, those feelings are probably going to remain until I have determined that they're not actually going to lead to anything sexual or romantic. However, if I don't initially feel those things towards someone, this does not prevent me from developing those feelings as I get to know someone, either.
If, in getting to know someone, I feel that we could have a caring romantic connection, romantic feelings can develop in me. And if I feel romantic feelings towards someone, I have enough demisexuality in me that I've found the romance itself is enough to make me sexually horny in certain contexts.
But I don't think sexual feelings can develop if there's not romance, and if there's not sexual attraction from the beginning. Also, I don't see every type of person as having the potential to be someone I develop romantic attraction to. For most people, the highest any of them could achieve with me is "familial", and it stops there.
And even then there's not many people that I could say have reached the point of "familial" for me, and maybe there's not many who could reach that point; but I am willing to let everyone give it a shot who wants to give it a shot. In that way, I view familial connections as separate from romantic and sexual connections as well. I'd rather people not assume they can work towards a romantic or sexual relationship with me (unless I tell them it's okay), but I am okay with people assuming they could work towards a familial relationship with me (at least until actual experience shows otherwise).
Also, even if I'm sexually attracted to someone, I doubt I'd feel comfortable having a sexual relationship with them unless I had a romantic relationship with them as well.
And... I guess I don't know what else to say about it. If you're up for it, dear reader, I'd love to hear if how you experience these emotions differs from me in any particular way, no matter how you personally identify. I'd love it if broader society had a better understanding of these different intricacies of relationships so that we can care for ourselves and each other better.
Until then, if you don't want to talk about it with me... I hope you're at least willing to talk about it with those in your life who you care about most!
