Unambiguous Robin 🐦

This one's a freeform post. It's a little bit heavy, going into my self-doubt some more.

A couple posts ago I talked about the importance of art to process emotions, but it was kinda done more from the audience's perspective than the artist's perspective. But art is for the artist, too... but I've had a long history of struggling to look at it that way for myself, specifically.

I love creative expression a lot, it's what a lot of this blog has been about. I like it when it's clear to me that someone has created a piece in large part to help themselves process something--when art is being used as a therapeutic tool. I'd really like to be able to use it in the same way myself, since I still have a lot of hard emotions to process, pretty much all the time. Whenever I try it, though, I think I feel some sort of disconnect.

I don't know how to create something and have it not be for other people. I think to make this work, it helps to actively enjoy the process of creation itself, rather than having any concern over the end result. But I don't know how not to worry about the end result. I want there to be something to be gained by the end result.

Maybe some of this is the result of seeing how quickly people criticize works if they fail to match some standard thresholds for appealing to their audience, all the "why did you make this" or the "why didn't you just make this a book instead of a video game" types of comments. It makes me feel like a failure if, as I'm creating something, I can tell that I'm working through something in a way that doesn't match how other people process issues as a whole.

But I also think that some of it is I don't even know how I process this stuff. Last night my mind was a bit too stuffed to do any writing, so I decided to just scribble instead. And by "scribble" I mean draw swirls and squiggles in Paint with no planned direction, no specific shapes, just kind of all over the place. Then when it started looking too much like something specific, I'd delete it and start a new one.

I envy those who draw just to reflect a particular mood state. Maybe some of my inclinations came from that envy alone, rather than because drawing is what actually works for me. Maybe I'm not actually a creative person, maybe I just wish I was one, because I admire so many people who are. And I feel like they're more capable of helping people than I am... or maybe I just think they're better people than me in general. Like they have a better understanding of themselves, and more control over themselves, than I do.

...Though, I have felt like this blog is helping me in some way that most of my other interests don't. I know someone who has told me that all writing is creativity, whether it's fiction or nonfiction... and although I don't usually think of it that way, I suppose they're right. A realistic drawing isn't less creative than an abstract one. It's still reflective of the person who drew it, how they see the world, how they process it. What makes them happy or comforted.

I'm also reminded of a tweet from adhdjesse that a friend linked recently:

[doing things I’m bad at]
“ugh, I suck at everything”

[doing things I’m good at]
“this doesn’t count because it’s easy for me”

Maybe I'm judging myself for how I process emotions simply because I'm the one processing them, doing it in the way that works for me. If it makes sense, it's by default "easy" to some degree, and therefore isn't really processing them. Not like all those artists who made cool art that I can't do.

Well, a couple days back I looked at my cohost profile as it exists now... and I realized I like it. I like seeing my cute doodles adorning the page, and knowing that they're each accompanied by some writings that I put some thought into. I don't have a specific direction in mind for the blog other than "I'll do whatever feels right in the moment". I haven't really thought of blogging as creative expression, per se, for the same reasons it's hard for me to remember that nonfiction is still creative... but it is. This is my own blog that's not like anyone else's, and I've been using it to process things in ways that make sense to me.

I originally started writing this post just to get my thoughts down until I could figure out what point I was trying to make, and then I would go back and rewrite it to be more structured. Then, partway through it, I realized that this post was me processing my emotions in a freeform way, not really written to be read by anyone. And after realizing that, my default, natural instinct was to delete it, since once I'm done writing, it's fulfilled that purpose and doesn't have another one.

But I'm not gonna do that this time, obviously. I'm just posting it as-is. It's a simple change to my usual inclination, but it helps reinforce for me that my emotions are as worth processing as anyone else's, in ways that are unique to me, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

Maybe it'll encourage others to feel the same way. But if it doesn't, well, that's okay too, because it doesn't override what it meant for me.

I'm getting better at it.