i've always struggled with making music, because despite my EXTENSIVE classical music education background (both my parents were at some point music teachers and are still musicians in their retirement age), sheet music is fucking arcane nonsense to me
i understand what the sheet music means but there's a fundamental disconnect between looking at sheet music, and the music it represents for me. i can't hear sheet music. i can't translate the noise in my head into sheet music. i could perform it on a piano, i could perform it on a guitar, on a flute, or a trumpet, sure, but i can't write it down in that format.
today i learned an interesting fact: multiple musical acts who i grew up kind of revering, and admiring for their wonderful and unique sounds that i could never replicate, or hear elsewhere, used trackers to compose on. the Prodigy, for example, used FastTracker on the Amiga, specifically for most of The Experience. on a lark, i looked into it a bit.
today was the first time i saw what the average tracker's user interface looks like, and it just automatically makes intuitive sense. it clicked by looking at a screenshot. it's not arcane, it's not complete fucking visual noise. i still can't hear the music just by looking at the notes on the tracker, but i can relate to it. i know what it means in a more intimate way.
i think, once things have calmed down in my life a bit, i'd like to start trying to make music again. but this time, it'd be different. i wouldn't be screaming at myself in the mirror for being too dumb, and too stupid to Do The Thing Everyone Else Is Doing, and loathing myself for not being able to use a wrench to tighten a screw. i'd be using the tool that's right for me, and the way my brain works, instead of beating myself up for not being able to use The Correct Tools.
