• he\him

fascism is for losers.

[ Twitter ]

[ Telegram ]


TV-MA
@TV-MA

I know I'm not alone in this but: the pandemic has been really hard for me.

The perpetual feeling of the walls caving in, the feeling of everything shouting: my job, the state of the world, the mess of my living space; the feeling of losing my sense of control.

There was a lot of overlap with how I felt growing up. Getting picked on at school, having a hard time maintaining friendships, having a loud and unstable home. Back when I was a child, my choice of escape was losing myself in the music I listened to, drowning noise with noise. That's a lot harder to do when music becomes your job, a source of income. You end up needing an escape from your escape.

The way I learned how to escape as an adult was to take day/weekend trips, to seek silence. Growing up I never had the opportunity to experience nature. I grew up in the concrete jungle, my family couldn't afford vacations and hated hiking. As a victim of patriarchy, I wasn't allowed to leave my house unless accompanied by another person. It doesn't cost much to visit somewhere natural in California, and a nature trip is close by in any direction you go. I've always been lacking in resources so over the years, I have became really good at taking cost effective trips.

You don't realize the power of silence and stillness unless you are afforded the privilege of experiencing it. Social media, news, entertainment, every consumable item, way of living, & solution is given to us by capitalists. They mold our ideas of fulfillment as unchanging and natural, in an attempt to take away our power to reflect. We grow tired, consume easily digestible media, combat the noise with additional noise. We reach for anything to drown out how overwhelmed we are with every little thing screaming at us, attempting to capitalize on our attention, our talents, and our energy.

In 2020 I watched my refuges metaphorically and literally go up in flames. Rising nationwide fascism has made unfamiliar places feel unsafe for someone like me who is neither cis or white. In late summer the sky along the entire west coast turned orange for 2-3 weeks. Some of my favorite places burned to the ground. The local forest where I used to take my hikes was engulfed in flames and as of today, is still permanently closed.

One of my refuges in central coast California wasn't as hard hit during the pandemic. In the last few years, it's become a symbol of stillness for me, a place I craved everyday I started feeling overwhelmed by the noise. In November, everything finally lined and I was able to escape to Cambria. Less virus fear as I got the new ultra effective booster shot. Quit my FT job but Gavin Newsom gave us those practically useless rebates that could afford you either one future emergency or a weekend vacation.

It's been a little over a month and the trip still symbolizes hope and healing for me. Healing in that my skin shed newfound trauma from the last few faschy years and my thoughts re-organized to better prepare for the stormy weather ahead. Hope in that there are still places of silence, stillness, and untouched by the yelling. Places we can recover. Maybe one day we can reclaim every place of silence. Maybe we can liberate every place victim to the noise.

I've had a lot of inspiration since being able to reconnect with silence. Music and words come from my ability to sit in stillness. Can't wait for you all to hear.

Pix by @dontpanicjla


You must log in to comment.

in reply to @TV-MA's post: