My depression has gotten severe and its to the point I've been slowly writing on entry after another on each site I frequent socially that I'm going on a "Haitus".
I just feel this is the best approach for me. I never kicked my habit of being emotionally dependant on others, and often trusted friends who'd later emotionally abandon me and apologize over it. My need for connection while human has largely been a detriment as I put off career advance just to steal whatever time I can to hang out with whoever I could. Its something that's largely exacerbated my current mood; with friends treating my problems with immaturity, or suggesting the solution is just to typefuck me with their own particular fetish, or like how they've done in the past avoid me knowing they don't need my baggage in their already turbulant life. I just really, reall want to be alone.
This isn't a haitus, its a disappearing act and I don't know when I'll becoming back. I have tried little 'experiments' like deleting telegram and discord from my phone. All it did was teach me how 2FA works and how much of it was a pain reinstalling everything again, and that nothing I did really helped me 'disconnect' in a way that I would feel refreshed me in the way I anticipated. Some friends blew up at me when I talked about my boundaries, and me constantly hinting I wasn't always going to be around. This is something I've been planning for a while, and a reason I've been cutting back on responsibilities and obligations I feel I owe to others. I even told my family I'm doing an internet fast for April so they won't check on me.
The plan is to disengage entirely from everything that resembles my day to day life to induce something of a shock. I've made a 'new user' account on my computer, made new accounts on various art sites, picked out the software I want to use, and blew dust off of some sketchbooks and sharpened pencils and tested pens. I've provided some loose directions to myself of where I want to go with this, but ultimately I want to regain that spark of creating something and working on it without half-arsing it or feeling the need to upload to 'create content' or 'build an audience'. I am extremely bitter over how success as an artist was missold to me on how well we can fit into a cyber-capitalist hellscape. One where people are currently seeking to replace artists entirely with algorithms. I think it'll do me good to recapture that sense of starting over with a fresh page.
I often ask myself if this is something I want to do for the rest of my life, and follow it up with am I creating the art I want to make, is this what will make me feel like my life was well-worth lived? It starts with a yes, and ends with a no, and I want to correct that course and do a hard realignment towards my values to make up for it. Its something that's only going to come about from me being deadfast and resolute.
We'll meet again on some sunny day. Vosyl.
