Summary: I'm taking charge of the time I spend online and will be around a lot less socially, as I'm going to focus art and my physical health going forward, likely for the next year I'm only going to be available to chat with on Thursdays. Every other day will be in my art program of choice or working with a sketchbook. I'm deeply shamed of never applying myself better over the years, and want to make amends to 'correct' course for myself instead of relying on short-cuts that carried me till they couldn't anymore.
I always had this idea that I could make myself happier as an artist if I just ran away for a time; made some time for myself in some cozy space to do studies, learn the fundamentals, everything I was supposed to be doing to grow and consolidate real technical ability. As time when on this idea grew more attractive to me, and the length of time I'd want to spend alone as a hermit fastidiously studying only ever grew longer. There was just something always in the way of that idea, some responsibility or obligation I felt that I had to stick around. The truth is I can't really justify not spending some alone time but there's going to be some cavets.
The Problem
To give you the whole picture, I cheat and take shortcuts. I trace over reference imagery, am reliant on 3D models for what I can't get reference of, and brute-force my backgrounds by making a photobash to paint over. I can't draw despite years of art school; I can with a sketchbook and a subject in front of me, but those skills didn't transfer neatly to furry art nor digital. It's been awkward when people would compliament my anatomy, when in reality I was just figuring out how to better polish the linework with different sizes of brush or the trick to duplicate a layer and merge down to sharpen the edges. That really got rid of the 'knobbly potato' look of my line-art from years ago. There's always been some space for hacks in order to save time and cut costs to meet deadlines, but it should never be the standard operations in the way I made them to my own process.
Friends have provided support with resources, redlines, key advice, and areas where I can improve upon, others have given financial aid during my low points that I've yet to really pay back in a meaningful way; and I do want to honor my agreements and be more professional. I've issued refunds to those that have approached me already, and my work ethic is something I need to improve upon as even my close friends joke about it when it comes to trades and collaborations; as I desperately need to change and get into a position where I feel I'm pulling my own weight.
The Answer
This is why I've taken the following steps, where I've simplified priorities and distractions in my life: I've had my run of the gauntlet of issues and they aren't excuses. I've recovered from depression and have since found stability since being my diagnosis adjusted to be schizoaffective. I've been emotionally unwound from not getting into university as I had earlier expected to be, and further wounded by telling my parents about how I've started HRT as part of gender transition (but not that I've been already on it for eight months, only this week did I start T-Blockers). Their support has always been rocky, with my earliest coming out met with "But who will love you?" to ignoring the issue and telling me to be quiet about it. I am a thirty-something adult that lives independently, and my only interest in family gatherings is to make sure we spend enough time with my Grandmother, after that once she passes, and even my parents agree; the family will likely splinter and drift further apart as she's a common thread that holds us all together. I realize I;'m better just to focus on my own life going forward now.
I've also adopted strategies for dealing with executive dysfunction and reintroducing structure into my life to make the most of each day. Some of this involves using a paper planner, other times it involves mindful exercises and mental tricks to 'disrupt' the urge to procrastination. My interest in psychology has been bearing fruit in modulating my own behaviour and understanding why I've been the way I am and what I can do to further change, and what makes other people more successful.
Note: https://www.youtube.com/@JustinSung Justin Song has been invaluable to improving my focus on this part.
On the art front, I've already taken to using a sketchbook and following tutorials, and this is what really broke me into needing a change is realizing how gap between the skill I thought I had, and the skill I can demonstrate. When I commited to not using any of the old tricks I had used previously. Especially for commissions but to draw as I'd seen others do in livestreams and quickpaint videos is when I realized I needed to take a step for radical change and actually sit down and learn the fundamentals.
Why didn't I do this beforehand?
With no lick of self-depreciation, I'm lonely. When I was studying forensics, if I met an old friend on my way to a lecture I would instead talk and spend the time with those who'd give me their time. I was incredibly used to being the fifth or even seventh wheel of every friend group and rarely was I invited to anything that I just have this need to socialize that no matter how much I talk to people, I just can't scratch it, and its disruptive. If I'm trying to draw and I have discord and telegram open and someone talks to me I won't draw. I make myself available at hours I shouldn't, and that has caused breakdowns in my relations with others because I'd always have to cancel plans because I fell asleep when they were just waking up and people would just give up on me.
I need to learn to be alone and manage my time, I've already implemented a semi-strict 10PM GMT lights out for myself and better at communicating what time I'm unavailable for and that's helped smooth things over. Before I've had at least two people say they were crying over me not able to spend time with them, and its just something that took a toll on me as ridiculous as it may sound to you.
The other issue is that I'm envious of other people's success, and feel I'm owed rewards despite I do nothing to earn them, and its a mood I acknowledge and one that's gotten worse. I've seen people with no previous experience deliever better results than what I've spent years barely achieving. By the time it takes me to draw three images, I've seen people make webcomics, computer games, music albums, impressive 3D renders and 2D animations. I feel other people are living the dreams I have and its just getting me down.
I need to build discipline, and change the priorities in my life; when I'm playing video-games is when I should be drawing. I need to cut out distractions, and think about what I want and what I'm going to do to get it.
In Conclusion
I'm going to leave, and I'm going to just focus on my own physical fitness and artwork going forward now. When I have a cheat day, I'm going to be available on instant messaging and check the internet socials I have, this is usually a Thursday. Otherwise I'm not going to be around as much as I was previously. I've frequently gotten overwhelmed by the amount of people who'd want to talk to me at once, and mood nosedives whenever it was my morning or afternoon and no one would be around to talk.
I'm not sure how limiting contact is going to work and I may need to revise my plans, I'm not asking people to take a number, I'm asking people to give me space to fail and experiment with my art to get to a place where I'm comfortable. While I'm stuck in learner mode, what this means for the site you read this on: I'm not going to be uploading for some time.
Consider this a notice of a lengthy haitus. I wrote this for accountability, and to put people's minds at ease that I'm safe and well as before when I'd try to take time for myself people feared the worst. I do appreciate that people do think of me, but I just need to be alone to work.
One concept artist gave the figure of buckling down and studying for five years, I'm leaning more on at least a year but we'll see. Till then, here's a list of some resources I'm wanting to go through:
https://www.ctrlpaint.com/
https://www.artstation.com/learning
https://oatleyacademy.com/mb-hub/
https://www.youtube.com/@ergojosh
https://www.youtube.com/@EthanBecker70
I also have some books I've made it a high priority to go through:
Burne Hogarth's Dynamic Anatomy.
Sarah Simblet's Anatomy for the Artist.
I will see you when I do.
