Dungeons and Dragons developer: preorder the 2024 edition now for a booster to your D&D Beyond Battlepass and unlock a shiny skin for your UI based on Vecna's iconic bussy, now only $250
Dungeons and Dragons player: no no no! it's still good! you can houserule everything and you don't have to buy the new books! Vancian spellcasting is fiiiiiiiiiiine, you can handwave away all the racism I HAVE SUNK SO MUCH MONEY INTO THIS GAME PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME PLEASE GOD
Pathfinder developer: we do believe that gaming should be open and accessible and are doing our best to get rules out there to the people. you have one billion options and we're gonna put in more and more pride shit to annoy the chuds. in the event of an emergency you can use the 600-page core book to bludgeon a man to death.
Pathfinder player: Apologies, my friend! It's just that, as an enlightened member of the Pathfinder Society, I find the desire to play other games.....heh, amusing. Have you considered playing Pathfinder? Have you decided your preferences are wrong yet?
PbtA developer: the cool thing about this system is that it's freeform enough we can make whatever we want with it. for some reason none of us will ever want to change up the "1-6 is a massive failure roll" thing for varied difficulties or structural variety. to alter this would be VERBOTEN.
PbtA player: well the group didn't stick together for more than a session or two but I was playing a queer plant lady with huge knockers and it was pretty great.
microgame dev: this fucking rules. I can make a fun thing out of literally any premise that comes to mind. you want a game about being cyberpunk sexbots? you want a game about being the Cadillac Cats from that Heathcliff cartoon? you want a game about being plants-but like, normal house plants, not the big boobie lady that last person had? buddy, I got you. that'll be 75 cents please.
microgame player: < muffled screams for help from underneath four thousand things being added to their itchio library every week >
OSR developer: please. please god. I just want to make mechanics-heavy games with grid maps and lots of tables and cool 80s style art of skeletons on the cover. please be normal. please. why are you like this.
OSR player: well, it took three weeks of neither showering nor wiping but the fucking wokes are finally giving me a wide radius like I always wanted.
1980s unisystem developer: alright I went to the flea market and got the RPG distribution rights to...let's see. Fantomas, Our Man Flint, Modesty Blaise, Klute, the comic strip BC, Tintin, Rendezvous with Rama and aaaaaaall of Heinlein. These sourcebooks will tide us over for the next few weeks.
1980s unisystem player: yeah it sucks to play and the GM keeps punishing me for trying to do anything but it just feels so right to be the chick from Species in our Masterbook World of Species campaign, I can't say why.
Fabula Ultima developer: do you think 360 pages is enough pages for us to address our hyperfixation in, or should we make a couple sourcebooks also
Fabula Ultima player: man since I started this campaign a whole bunch of Deedlit merch keeps showing up in my house?
ORE game developer: hey you. hey player. fuck you. you don't own enough d10s. go to the store and buy like six more d10s then you can play with us.
ORE game player: I arranged my Master and Expert skills on my Reign sheet in such a way that it says MEME and now I can never get anything else in this category ever again
Storyteller System developer: I mean it's in the name. Storyteller. You're gonna tell a story, plumb the depths of the soul of your character and their internal conflicts and turmoil. You're gonna do that with a point-buy system, an annoying dice pool mechanic, and a million fucking conditional riders. And you're gonna love it.
Storyteller System player: yeah just break it over your knee, and when you do, oh buddy. You wanna play a power fantasy? You got it. You wanna bully your friends socially? You got it. You wanna...c'mon, lean in closer. [whispers] you wanna have sex with a goth? Don't look at me like that. You do. I do. I have. Stick with me, kid. I'll show you a better world.
Kickstarter Heartbreaker Developer: Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miranda with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labours left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Testew and Cunard it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labours of men that as a result of the labours unfinished of Testew and Cunard it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labours of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown of Testew and Cunard left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard that man in Essy that man in short that man in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation is seen to waste and pine waste and pine and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts penicilline and succedanea in a word I resume and concurrently simultaneously for reasons unknown to shrink and dwindle in spite of the tennis I resume flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham namely concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell to shrink and dwindle I resume Fulham Clapham in a word the dead loss per caput since the death of Bishop Berkeley being to the tune of one inch four ounce per caput approximately by and large more or less to the nearest decimal good measure round figures stark naked in the stockinged feet in Connemara in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there and considering what is more much more grave that in the light of the labours lost of Steinweg and Peterman it appears what is more much more grave that in the light the light the light of the labours lost of Steinweg and Peterman that in the plains in the mountains by the seas by the rivers running water running fire the air is the same and then the earth namely the air and then the earth in the great cold the great dark the air and the earth abode of stones in the great cold alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something the air the earth the sea the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold an sea on land and in the air I resume for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell I resume alas alas on on in short in fine on on abode of stones who can doubt it I resume but not so fast I resume the skull to shrink and waste and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis on on the beard the flames the tears the stones so blue so calm alas alas on on the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the labours abandoned left unfinished graver still abode of stones in a word I resume alas alas abandoned unfinished the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the skull alas the stones Cunard tennis... the stones... so calm... Cunard... unfinished...
Kickstarter Heartbreaker Player: What the fuck, this is just D&D again.
A surprising number of indie devs: okay so the thing about writing porn is that it works entirely on details, right? it's all the little stuff that actually makes it compelling and interesting, and it turns out this lends itself well to game design and worldbuilding. I'm proud to present my new system and game setting which I think you'll find is actually really, really good!
players of those systems: okay look I'm not gonna lie I was searching for goblin transformation smut and wound up here. this is my character sheet, I've developed a potentially unhealthy emotional bond with her.
Kevin Siembeida: Warning! Violence and the Supernatural. This book may be inappropriate for young readers. The fictional World of Rifts is violent, deadly and filled with supernatural monsters. Other-dimensional beings, often referred to as "demons," torment, stalk and prey on humans. Other alien life forms, monsters, gods and demigods, as well as magic, insanity, and war are all elements in this book. Some parents may find the violence and supernatural elements of the game inappropriate for young readers/players. We suggest parental discretion. Please note that none of us at Palladium Books condone nor encourage the occult, the practice of magic, the use of drugs, or violence. Now then. Welcome to RIFTS! What if there was a honorable Nazi with a cool gun?
RIFTS player: we tried doing freeform RP. We needed a resolution system for the thrill of it. But our mercenary company's adventurers across Dinosaur Swamp is one of the highest rated quest threads on Sufficient Velocity.
Steve Jackson Games developer: who am I. when am I. what year is this. who are you. when was the last time we reprinted Car Wars, this will help me triangulate.
Steve Jackson Games "player": oh thank god I got through to someone. you have to help. I fell through the floor of my FLGS into a liminal world. I can't get out. every time I turn around there are more copies of SPANC looming over me. I can hear John Kovalic cackling and whispering names of new Munchkin supplements with every step.
Big Eyes Small Mouth developer: hey have you ever seen Otaku no Video? DO YA WANNA?
Big Eyes Small Mouth player: hey it's me, the worst kid you hung out with in high school. wanna run BESM for us? I got this funny trick, right, where I let everyone else make a character and set the tone and then I do something way different. y'all wanna run a slice of life high school game? here's my demon prince. y'all wanna run a toku? here's my tentacle monster. y'all wanna do sports? I built a mech.
FUDGE developer: so we got an idea for a system involving weird proprietary dice you will never use for anything else but are essential to our experience.
Edge of the Empire developer: [whips off glasses dramatically] my god that's genius
FUDGE player: well HeartQuest isn't my favorite game or anything but it's gonna be a few years before Miss Wilde's Home For Wayward Catgirls will be online, so I gotta crack this egg somewhere. this is the most niche joke in this thread.
Maid RPG devs: look. we like maids. it's fine. we ain't gotta be weird about this. you can play a variety of campaigns under this premise, find one that suits your group.
Maid RPG players: there are some goddamned cowards in my group asking if they can just be butlers instead. weaklings. they disgust me. they will not survive the winter, which is good, because I have pulled their asses off my Christmas card list.
Hero System developer: [sits in a chair, smoking]
Hero System player: h-hey, you can't do that indoors.
Hero System developer: you wanna calculate the volumetric space this smoke takes up.
Hero System player: n-no, I'm serious, for real, you can't do that here.
Hero System developer: [slowly crosses and uncrosses legs, takes a slooooooow drag] You wanna know the mechanics of the vapor transformation power?
Hero System player: [moves closer, whispers] I can't do this here. I can't! People here know me. I have to work with them. At home. I promise.
Hero System developer: oh sweet baby, you wanna know how much stun damage you'll take if I put this out on you?
Hero System player: [smiling through tears] yes, dear god yes, but at home, please honey.
Hero System developer: [smiles, reaches up, pats cheek, pinches cigarette closed] I love you too, baby. Here's your lunch. I'll see you after work.
Marvel Multiverse RPG developer: we want you to have the whole Marvel experience at your fingertips and we've provided rules for playing as many of Marvel's characters or similar OCs of your own creation, with the stipulation that it has to be either Captain Marvel or one of the seven hundred fuckers that just shoot a gun. Due to the fact that we can't provide stat blocks for originally-made villains for obvious reasons, we recommend building all your enemies like PCs, for convenience.
Marvel Multiverse RPG player: okay, if I've done the math correctly I have enough points to either be immune to all damage or speak a second language.
Interstitial Developer: The act of constructing a campaign often gets in the way of freeform roleplay, plus it can push people away from contributing if they feel their character isn't strong or interesting enough. Why not try self-contained sessions in a framework inspired by sincere, bombastic stories so that you can use that energy to get more players included and comfortable enough to be active at the table?
Interstitial Player: OK so I tried to roll a sort of "I see in you the mistakes I could have made" bond between myself, Pharaoh Man, and Brooklyn From Gargoyles, but I still rolled a 6 so the GM decided I have a bitter rivalry instead.
13th Age developer: in lieu of traditional alignment systems we've gone for a system of Icons and your Relationships with them, allowing you to build more complex dynamics where your actions will be seen differently in the eyes of several factions that could arguably fall under a few different spots in the ol' alignment grid. for ease of use we've also included several redundant entries so the feats section has all the feats, but also each class entry has all its relevant feats beneath it so you can reference them fast.
13th Age player: I can't find SHIT in this book
Classic Japanese TTRPG designers: this is mostly just a story and world reference for that thing you like. You guys like Tenchi in the west, right? Y'all wanna read about Tenchi? Mike Pondsmith wrote the rules.
Classic Japanese TTPRG player: the rules are bad. the mechanics are bad. the combat is bad. there are so many poor choices to make in character construction. if you're not playing a certain species then why are you even playing. the power scaling goes out of control and all damage is rocket tag. anyway I'm playing Sailor Smoke-u, she's the lost princess of the Saiyans who has been chosen to fight in the name of the destroyed moon. She loves multi-attacks per round, her wife and bong rips.
Contemporary Japanese TTRPG designers: we've designed a lot around one-shots, player flexibility, storytelling as a social and collaborative exercise, assorted historical and cultural influences. There is no immediate market in translating the majority of these things so we won't but between you and me you can risk Reddit or 2channel to find some pretty inspired stuff that wasn't just ported and reworked by Ewen Cluney.
Contemporary Japanese TTRPG players: So the Goblin Slayer RPG uses the Sword World system and it's pretty much the perfect fit for our group. The GM gets to run something that isn't D&D but is a convergent evolution of combat-focused adventuring, and we as the players get to ignore all of the fascist themes and dire sexual politics.