Alright, I've been hesitating for a long time about whether I should make this post or not, my main concern being not wanting to sound embarrassing, awkward or creepy. I've already mentioned it previously, I'm very not used to talking about my feelings online, even less talking about my personal life. But I need help, the kind that I won't find within myself nor within the people that are close to me IRL. I think I have to bite the bullet now, even if it means telling more about myself than I am usually comfortable with and potentially sounding cringe.
I believe further context is needed for whoever's reading this to get a clearer view of my situation and make sense of this post, I hope It wont sound too messy.
I unfortunately don't have a name I can call mine yet, I've recently begun to ask people to call me "Windshyme" online, it's only my username but that the only nickname I feel some kind of attachment with.
I live in ■■■1, I'm soon to be ■■■1 years old, and I'm non binary, I believe bigender is a more precise term, but when it comes to such specific labels, I found that the way they're perceived can differ quite significantly between peoples. Non binary lend itself better for an overall presentation.
Not very relevant to this post but here a few of my interests:
I'm plenty into video games (Celeste, Zelda, Splatoon, Outer Wilds, etc.), computer science and animation.
In term of music I like Electronic a lot (Lena Raine, Porter Robinson, etc.) and video game OST (Splatoon, Undertale, Hollow Knight, etc.) I've been listening to a lot of Metric recently.
I'm into pretty much all of Ghibli's movies, I also like "Your Name" a lot, "Nimona" is great, "The Owl House" hold a special place in my heart, "I Love Amy" was the best read I had since forever.
This post has everything to do with being trans, that's why I'll focus mainly on this aspect of my life in the rest of this post.
I've been out IRL as trans for a few years now, I knew I was uncomfortable with myself and my body since long before.
During all this time, I've never met someone that I felt understood by, the most commonly shared trans experiences I saw online felt a lot more relatable than any cis one, but still so far from my own.
I felt foreign and overshadowed, the community where I wanted to be able to feel safe, to feel allowed and accepted as myself never gave me at the time the sensation of comfort I desperately yearned for. This crushing loneliness and impostor syndrome stayed with me for multiple years.
That is until a few months ago, I stumbled across the work of @fourleafisland on Twitter, specifically the second part of their essay "Chameleon Chameleon".
I've never related to someone experience as much as I did that day, it's was like they put my exact thoughts (that I wasn't even able to express at the time) onto a canvas. The night when I first read through their essay, an immense sense of relief washed over me, which further intensified when I saw the replies, not only did I had finally found someone like me, so many others were saying they resonate too with these experiences. I'm still so glad to this day that I could find this tweet. It gave and give me so much hope.
Now what's pushing me to write all of this is that I want to concretize this hope, act on it medically speaking I mean.
Thanks to "Chameleon Chameleon" (among other things I got to read and reflect upon since), I've understood that I yearn for androgyny and malleability over how people perceive me.
But finding resources online alone as been thought, the medical terms and studies are cold and far disconnected from the emotional point of view of it all, it really scares me.
It's even more so frightening and difficult when I have no one around me IRL to ask for this kind of help.
My family is great and all, they're open to lending me an ear, but none of them have similar experience with what it's like to be trans, even less when it come to the medical field.
I can't ask a doctor for help either, even if I get lucky and I don't end up with one that is disinterested and unwilling to commit, the chance of them being welcoming to anything non binary related is very low.
(From my experiences, trans healthcare is pretty bad in France.)
All of that to say that I just wish I had others I could ask for help and advice who have already gone through a similar path before me.
The truth is, I'm too scared to walk alone any longer, I just want to hold someone's hands. I don't know how to reach out without sounding awkward and embarrassing better than through this post. Showing this so vulnerable side of me to so many potential people is terrifying, I'm afraid all of this could backfire somehow. I don't even know if Cohost is the right place to make this "call for help", but I don't see any other options anymore.
I'm trying to be as sincere and true to myself when writing this, I hope this make sense.
I just want friends that understand me, that the mess I am could talk to about how scary this is all to me, I just want shoulders to rest and cry upon. It must sound so selfish, I'm sorry.
To make this all less ambiguous, this is me asking you if you'd like to be friends? Pretty please?
I hope all of this isn't vain. I hope this is the right thing to do. I'm very sorry if I said anything wrong. I don't want to be a burden to anybody.
Thank you so much for reading me.
-
Censuring this for privacy reason