I couldn't draw earlier and I was feeling awful so I wrote my train of thoughts below instead. I truly appreciate the kind words, I'm sorry I'm not feeling well enough to respond right now.
(Tw: mention of death)
I want to draw accurately from imagination even though I've barely studied at all, I want every details to feel right and still finish in a matter of minutes, I want for it to be meaningful but I cannot afford to dig into my heart. I want to inspire myself from everything I ever saw but for it to remain unshakably unique.
I want to have fun but the anxiety and expectations are crushing me alive. I want to control everything, make it fit in the palm of my hand, for it to be perfect and for myself to feel satisfied. The very idea of compromising make me shake with anger. I can't stand to fail again, for once in my life I want to be able to be competent at something.
And I remain completely frozen in front of the blank page for hours. Overwhelmed by anger and sadness, terrified of everything that could go wrong. I feel so worthless.
I wish I could just die already.