I've been neglecting this account for a while now, I've been meaning to wake up but never got around to it sooner. I'm really sad that the shut down of Cohost is what bring me out of my slumber.
I should preface by saying that I'm going to try and clear my head a bit in the next few days and work a solution on where to move, at least temporarily.
I need to get a few things off my chest and sort my feelings a bit, so that what this post is about. I'll pin a new post with where to find me once I'll have it set up.
(Sorry, this is pretty messy but if I don't post this now I probably never will)
Many things have been pilling up in my draft for months, mainly because I'm afraid of being visible online and to not be good enough. Despite how much I yearn for a sense of connection, I haven't been able to post any of it yet. My incapacity to do so has been haunting me everyday. (And maybe I'll never be able to get around to it now. I should have expected this, but I didn't and now I feel like I'm out of time.)
Instead, I've been surviving through everyday, achieving what feel like barely the minimum required each day.
For the past year, since I made my account, I've been trying to chip away at everything I want to change about myself, trying everyday to get just a bit further. A pretty concrete aspect of this effort is that I started drawing everyday. But there's so much more I wish to accomplish that I haven't been able to put into motion yet, and a lot of it were built on the idea that Cohost would still be around.
For months now, I've been meaning to follow and interact more with other users, there's people I somewhat regularly interact with I want to simply start following and I just haven't started doing so because I never found the courage and energy it requires me to accomplish such tasks, despite how negligible it might seems.
Instead, I kept procrastinating, hoping that tomorrow wouldn't drain me as much and that I would finally be able to make the first step.
It's by far much slower than I would've like for it to be, but I felt like I was making progress.
Now, Cohost is shutting down and it feel like a part of me that I managed to cradle up until now will disappear with it too.
I don't want to loose contact with all the amazing peoples I've met here, I don't want to loose the only place online I was ever so slowly starting to grew confortable in. I don't want to see the very few and flawed things I managed to accomplish here vanish.
I really wish I could've invest myself more in this community, I deeply regret to not have been able to do so.
I still don't know what to do next, nor where to go.
I have a dead account on twitter that I never used and don't ever want to regarding the trajectory of this mess. Instagram scrapping data for their AI stuff is really off putting and plus it would probably be awful for my self image. Tumblr doesn't seem welcoming with their weird guidelines regarding art I've heard about in the past years or so, ArtStation AI tolerance suck, I believe Cara have bad takes regarding AI as well, Bluskie seems to cater the same toxic mindset that exist on twitter. Perhaps Mastodon or Fediverse thought I do not know how they work at all + I heard some people's bad a prioris about both. Maybe I should make a Neocities or a Nekoweb website though I know nothing about how to make a website.
I just don't know at this point, I'm grieving feeling lost and scared.
I don't know how to end this properly, sorry.
