i hate seeing peoples stupid nontraditional coffee brewing contraptions with fuckin special wisks and spritzers and vacuum tubes i swear to god if you need the goddamn fermilab particle accelerator in your kitchen to make a cuppa you need to shave your head and move to a tibetan monastery you are beyond help in your current situation
instant: coffee is a drug to you and you have better things to do. you'd sip the slime off a sewer grate if it got you through the day
drip machine: classic, economical, good enough. you are normal. maybe you grind your beans fresh, but probably not
pourover: look at you, with your little beaker and shit. you think you know how to drip the water better than mr coffee. do you have one of those kettles with the long goose neck thing going on? gives you a real sense of control? how sick are you about your grind size? bet you throw around words like bloom and extraction
french press: peak aesthetics over taste, you want a pretty glass pitcher full of mud to put on the table and don't mind grinds in your cup
aeropress: your spouse tried to use it once, it was like a coffee bomb went off on the counter. they get their coffee from the gas station now
siphon: ok heisenberg
actual espresso machine: you should be giving more to charity
keurig: you are a boomer, you're not on this site
percolator: you should be dead by now, what is your secret
moka pot: you are a graphic designer
some kind of traditional ethiopian or iranian method or whatever your mom brought from the old country: hell yeah
some new age instagram shit i haven't even heard of: i'll kill you
the secret is that this bitch works in power outages, it works outside, it works on top of the wood stove, and after a while you just stop bothering to replace your shitty electric coffee maker when this backup $20 Coleman Coffeefucker works just as well (i.e. bad)
Currently putting a #4 filter cone directly on a Milwaukee 20oz vacuum tumbler.
I use a percolator. Because I can't be asked to go through a bunch of prepwork for coffee thats gonna be horrible anyway. The only way your gonna get a good beverage from me is if you ask for tea. Then, you better have time on your hands, Tea is to be drunk with friends.
I use a French press for single servings of coffee.
