Zardozz

(I'll try to be descriptive with the relevant game mechanics in case people are unfamiliar with them, so the beginning will be a bit heavier on "mechanic dump")

By the way I was using my texture pack, so the spiders look like this:

Right next to the cave spider spawner there was a treasure chest with a Name Tag inside. Name tags are very special items because they can't be crafted, only found. They're (obviously) used to give names to a creature. And here's the fun bit: Named creatures don't de-spawn, even if they're monsters, which is a kind of mob that will disappear if you get distant enough from it.

That's when I realized. That treasure could only have been placed there as a sign. Destiny told me to get myself a pet cave spider.

Here's the plan: Let's restrict the spider's movement by trapping it on a boat and row, row, row our way up to my base, where I'll release it in a cute little cave spider cage. Rixetog is the one who'll clear the monsters out of the way since he's the one who wears armor, and we'll sign the shortest path with torches in order to guide us to the exit since, you know, this is gonna be a one-time operation! We won't be able to memorize the entire way by heart! Infallible plan.

Here's the problem: Apparently mobs can still bit and POISON you when they're in the boat. I thought they would be completely contained, but apparently not. The boat was really slow and difficult to navigate on dry stone. We insisted on it, brought some milk (which acts as an antidote) and realized that moving upwards was also pretty challenging. We tried pouring water every time there was a one-block elevation but instead of it lifting the boat it kinda just drowned us. The zombies and skeletons weren't interested to help in the operation either. I died there a couple of times.

Second Plan: Ditch the boat. Aggressive mobs will chase you as long as you're close enough to them. So we could walk in front of the spider in a safe distance, while not going too far as to make it lose interest in us, and guide it to the exit that way. It worked! We managed to get out of the mines and into the cave! But the terrain in the cave was so irregular, that depending on where we were, the spider's instincts would tell it to jump off a cliff to get to us faster, killing it. Environmental hazards got a few spiders in this process. Let's step back a bit, transform some hills into staircases, fill in some holes.

We guided it all the way through the caves, but arriving at the tunnels became a problem. The first problem being that spiders have an instinct that tells them to CLIMB whatever walls they get in touch with. So our spider kept getting stuck in the ceilings. The second problem is that, while spiders are climbing, they get ABSURDLY slow. The trick is to get the spider off the walls, but punching them doesn't always result in them falling down. Getting under it would also be a bad idea because in the few times it works, you'll most likely get poisoned AND the spider might get fall damage. If you keep repeating it through the entire duration of the tunnel, that spider might very well die. This process was SLOW. I cannot emphasize how slow it was to guide that thing out of the tunnel. My companion left me to do his own stuff while I kept there, listening to podcasts while watching the equivalent of a geological formation in action. Little moments of excitement - when the spider climbed down of the ceiling and followed me at a normal rate - were always too few an quick, as it always came back to the walls. In an attempt to accelerate the process I walked under it, it fell on me, poisoned me, hit me and. I. Died.

I woke up on the bed in my base, and when I got back in the tunnels, the spider was nowhere to be found. Something inside me died that day.

Plan two point five: Let's do the same thing again, except this time I'll bring in some beds. Beds re-set your spawnpoint, so if I set a bed in the tunnels and I die there again, I'll re-spawn right there again and the spider won't de-spawn. And I made very good use of those beds thank you very much. Could easily have lost 2 or 3 more spiders there to de-spawn if I didn't bring my camping gear.

Although it was another numbing, time consuming effort I finally managed to guide that thing out of the tunnel! I shouted to my companion to help me escort my new family member to it's new home! It was a thunderstorm! My friend cleared the monsters out of the way while I guided it to the minecart station. When we climbed the wet staircase towards the gloomy sky, as we reached the peak of the Thunder-lit boardwalk, we see them: Phantoms. And they were pissed!! My friend was ahead dealing with the offensive, while I was stuck between the venomous spider and the flying horrors. My fists and reflexes were the only things I could count on but I unfortunately got pushed off the bridge, miraculously surviving the fall by plunging into a lake. I climbed again the weeping steps, worried that the worst could have happened. What if the spider followed me into the abyss? What if my friend dies while I'm away and the spider de-spawns? I finally get there again and it's all calm. No more phantoms. No more fighting. And there, at the end of the bridge, knees on the woodplanks, my friend looks a me.
- "It's gone. The spider walked over the powdered snow. It froze to death."

Well, that was a blow. That part of the story felt so epic and poetic with the rain, thunder and the battle at a tall height, it felt so much like a climax, that I almost forgot that we're all alone in a cruel and uncaring world.

But I didn't give up! I couldn't give up! My costs had already sunk too much! So I hatched a new devilish little plan. You see, you can't spider-watch for as long as I did during this mission without noticing some quirks with the enemy's gnoggin. Most of the problems I had with spiders so far were related to their inate instinct to climb whatever surface they see! So, what if instead of having that as an obstacle, I could somehow use it on my advantage?

THIRD PLAN:
WHAT IF, instead of guiding the spider through the horizontal cave and tunnels, I dug a hole from the surface, directly onto the room where the spawner is? I could dig the hole wide enough to have a room for me (to climb with a ladder in order to guide the spider), the spider, and a fence to divide us (to avoid bites). I could build a pillar right next to the spawner that could connect with the spider's hole, and have my part of the tunnel connect to a safe place outside of the spider's confinement. So, I got the coordinates to the spider spawner, went back to the surface, got myself some tools for the job and after digging on the correct coords for a while, I noticed a tiny element in my plan that I forgot to factor-in:

So anyway, after a whole sand-gathering sidequest, I started this whole operation consisting on building sand walls by dropping them (the water went so deep that going to the bottom to place blocks wasn't viable), filling the tunnel with even more sand or cobblestone, which would replace the water block by block, and then digging/breaking it again to reveal the dry path. I remember having this whole jury rig thing placing doors everywhere to have a way to breathe, but I don't remember how well that worked out.

This whole ordeal took more than one session to get done, but then I finally hit stone and down I went, until I. Finally. Arrived. At the spawner. Rejoice! I don't even care if I get poisoned to death anymore! The operation was a success!

What followed was building a nice big cage around the spawner, installing the security fence in the middle of the tunnel, and placing some boats at the top of the tunnel to assure the spiders wouldn't fall on my face, wander around, or fall back in their tunnel.

I noticed that the spiders weren't spawning anymore, and that was because it was daytime, and daylight was getting in direct contact with the spawner through the hole. That meant that if I wanted to get a spider out of there, it would have to be during the night. So I prepped myself by planning the shortest path from the hole to the minecart station, and filling the forest with torches to minimize the chance of monster encounters during the night. The last torch coincided with the twilight, so I excitedly went back to get my spider.

Not gonna lie, I was apprehensive as fuck during the climb. I thought the spider would eventually fall down or glitch out when it reached the tip of the fence, but, surprisingly, everything went as planned! I got up there and the spider was in the boat, I broke it, sprinted to the woods, had to take a detour to avoid a skeleton and then died to it.

Re-spawned in the tunnels, which wasn't actually all that bad since it was mid-way through my house and spawner - meaning I still had a lot of night time ahead -

Got to the spawner, climbed, de-boated, went to the foresOh my FUCKING. . GOD

So, after two in-game days building a cobblestone bridge over the entire fucking forest I tried it again!!!

And, YEAH, there were still a couple of deaths there. The dependence on day and night cycles also made things clunkier, but I eventually managed to get us to the minecart station.

We got there at day time. Funny thing about spiders in day time. They are only aggressive and chase you during the day if they're in the dark. Under daylight, it's a if you weren't even there. You're not even worth their glance. They fuck off and go do their own spider thing. It was funny because there was a moment when the spider got under the staircase, which provided shade under the daylight, which would get the spider to act all evil and stuff, it would jump at me, in the daylight, snap back into "I'm just a little bean" mode, go into the shadows and repeat it all over again.

I built myself a quick dirt hut and AFK'd while waiting for night time. Came back, spider was still there. I managed to get it to chase after me up the stairs! Finally! But it brought a friend! A witch! What followed was probably the stupidest moments Minecraft ever provided me.

The witch was right behind the spider during the climbing of the steps. And every time she tried to throw a poison or slow-down splashing potion at me... it hit the spider.

Imagine this. Walking in reverse. Watching them climb all the way up. Splash. Splash. Splash.

Fighting the witch wasn't an option. I could accidentally hit the spider or get ganged-up by both of them, die and get them to de-spawn. My desperate attempt was to walk far enough away for the witch to lose interest in me, but still be close enough so that the spider would keep in the chase. In a twist of fate, it worked! It was only the two of us now. The floor from the station to my base completely paved with cobblestone to prevent any more spider freezings. I was ecstatic. Sprinted into my home, jumped over the boats, turned around and!!

An oversight.

My bedroom was a work-in-progress tower. The spider climbed it's walls before it had any chance to reach the boat at the center of the room. Then it fell. And died. And in a moment of gold comedic timing, a zombie fell from a different hole in the ceiling, and killed me.

I temporarily lowered the ceiling, attempted escorting again, a couple more spiders died, but then, in a somewhat anticlimactic way,

I DID IT. I FINALLY DID IT.

I brought the spider safe and sound to my place. I built it a nice little cage. It was lovely. I honourably conceded it the title of Jeff XXIII. And then we lived happy ever after.

I love the way the spider looks. I would also spend several months trying to obtain one.