i kind of dissociated last evening, but in the end it actually helped me to get a clearer grasp of what triggers me so much about emotional dependency when left unchecked.
it's only my opinion, but i think it just boils down to the (conscious or not) "manipulative" tendencies that are often (but probably not systematically) exhibited through such behaviour and that do not necessarily come with ill intentions, but still can do harm. and also the "possessiveness" that is deeply rooted in them. that's two things i have deep issues with.
like of course people who suffer of emotional dependency usually have lots of insecurities of their own, and therefore lack confidence in themselves. and because of this lack of confidence, they fail to see their worth and rely on others to show it to them in their stead.
when they find someone that they especially like, they often start to build kind of a standard, an idealized version of them in their mind. and they expect you to give "sufficient" reminders that you like them, that you will not abandon them, otherwise as soon as you do not give them enough attention, they'll start to beat themselves up. which is deeply unhealthy and sad first and foremost for them... but what i take issue with is when it shows in the relationship. not necessarily in a direct way, actually in the cases i've seen it's mostly through indirect messages or subtle cues... that the person is also expected to catch, otherwise it gets even worse. and although they will say that "it's their fault, it's because they are a bad person" (which is most of the time not even the case!) they often don't realize the guilt they can inflict on the other person, especially when said person already struggles with mental issues of their own. and i think it's a form of manipulation in itself, although not necessarily conscious, like i said before.
another concern is the certain possessiveness that often comes with this behaviour. the desire to receive more love from this person than the others, to the point that people afflicted with emotional dependency will consider that every display of affection they are not part of is the sign that they are not worthy of this person's love. and so it becomes kind of a competition. like they want to offer you the "best" gifts, expect you to notice more subtle cues that show that they care for you more than anyone else... i would not say it's fully insincere but... yeah, it feels more like they are be ready to do anything to receive your love rather than to actually make you happy. which is not how a healthy friendship works. because they lack confidence in themselves, and therefore don't trust that you truly like them. and when it shows... the person which receives it must deal with this emotional overweight. once again, while it might no be the intention of these people, all of these tendencies (constant competition + more or less subtle exhortations to show one's love) are also a kind of manipulation that i have a problem with.
where it gets especially ugly is when you find yourself in a situation when you didn't "chose" them over somebody else. i'm thinking of romantic relationships for instance, but that can ofc apply to other situations too. situations in which they'll tell themselves it's because they weren't good enough that things unfolded the way they did, but still won't move on, because they see you as an anchor in their lives and they still want more from you.
that's the worst part actually, the one thing that scares me the most. when people DON'T move on and don't make sincere efforts to do so. yes it's only human to have insecurities, frustrations, regrets. but when it's been six months? one year? or even two years? no ffs no, you can't tell me that you are trying your best when the very first step would be NOT to overload the other person by showing them that "ohhh actually i'm still not other the fact that you chose them over me!! sorry for being a bad person". especially when you tell them to their face!! what the hell is wrong with you!! what do you expect the other person to say!! because if that's something else than "i hope you find a way to manage your emotional dependency and you can be sure i'll support you through it" then i'm sorry but i will seriously doubt that you actually think about my well-being, but rather my hypothetical well-being with you, which are NOT the same. for me, this definitely counts as manipulative behaviour (not in a perverse way, but rather to fill a perceived lack of love/attention).
it's not that these people don't care about the hurt they inflict upon other people. in fact, i would say that they very much care most of the time. but they don't care enough to prevent the consequences of their behaviour, although they have several ways to take responsibility for it: seeing a therapist if you can afford it, seeking help from other people in a constructive way or managing it all by yourself (although it may not be the healthiest choice since it's a disorder and it's not that easy to handle all alone).
i know i may be harsh, or even unfair, but hey, that's actually a real trigger for me and! i didn't choose it! i think that's partly due to the fact because i myself suffered from emotional dependency all throughout my middle school and highschool. and because despite that, i always took care not to burden people (or more specifically the boy i considered as my best (and only real) friend and on whom i had a crush) with it. ofc like i said earlier enduring it alone is not the healthiest choice, but at the time i didn't even realize i was mentally ill so asking my parents to see a therapist (which was already something i could barely conceive) was not something i considered, and well since i didn't have any other real friend at that time, i kept everything to myself. that's why it might be partly me expecting other people to show the same diligence when it comes to caring for others, although not everyone is able to manage their emotions in the same way (which is why seeking help when needed is important).
but the other reason (and the main one actually) is because i've been harmed by this kind of behaviour coming from people i used to trust, and i had to live for many years with the guilt of thinking it was mostly my fault for not making things work out. and also because i've seen people i love getting hurt by people who exhibit the same tendencies, sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly... so that's why it's difficult for me to trust and forge a solid bond with them. whenever i see a "red flag" which might lead me to think there is some uncontrolled emotional dependency underneath, i freeze and refrain from getting emotionally involved any deeper with this person. because i fear that i might get hurt once more. i was not prepared back then, and i'm trying to steel myself so it does not happen again, but yeah, i'm still not fully ready to handle it once more, i'm afraid.
and i think it's important to protect yourself. people are not fundamentally ill-intentioned, but harm does not always come with bad intentions. and i can't for the love of god imagine how a relationship tainted by untreated emotional dependency can ever work out.
when you have so little confidence in yourself that you don't trust others and manipulate them in a conscious or less conscious way to obtain the love you desire, i'm convinced that harm is sure to follow... and yeah, it's hard for me not be bitter about this kind of behaviour.
and that's probably why i can't help but think it's for the best that these kinds of relationships eventually end. it might be pessimistic but actually in my opinion one of the most efficient ways to find out whether you have grown and managed to overcome your emotional dependency is to find the courage to let go of this other person. not by demonizing them (which is the "easy" way, because then it makes it look like they were responsible for your suffering all along although... they were not), but truly by acknowledging that might be the best for both you and this person.
that being said, not loving yourself does not mean that you do not deserve to love or to be loved, or to have meaningful relationships. because loving yourself is probably one of the hardest things to achieve (and i'm no different in that regard). but you need to take care of yourself so that this does not affect your loved ones. you need to actually face your vulnerabilities to avoid as much as possible hurting someone else. because whenever you let a stone fall into a lake, you never know what lies at the bottom and what this stone might reach. so please, no matter how heavy the stone, don't let it fall. ask for some help. there will always be someone to help you carrying it.