Here are two drawings, made from the early 2000's. Nina, the bunny girl, is probably my most popular character. To be honest, I hate drawing her; it brings up memories of being thrown away when I am no longer needed by people. Then there's Falda, my lioness who I keep closer to my heart. She became more than the need to impress people: I draw Falda for me, alone, and I don't post her. Because I don't need people to tell me that this very personal character of mine is a throwaway cute girl. Anyways, here are some thoughts:

Its a complicated relationship.

It's been at least twenty years of posting my work online. When I was younger (and lonely) the art I was creating was for the audience I was seeking approval of. I don't know if this is the origin of my relationship with the word "cute" as a descriptor for my art and myself, but the moment it started happening was the moment I was over being cute.

An example of "cute" is when I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil, I would draw Nina crying. I remember a drawing (you can probably look it up on deviantart) where Nina literally is chained, because I was feeling trapped and misunderstood at home; I was crying out for any help; and instead, I got comments about how cute it is that she's chained. Imagine hearing that as a 13 year old who feels trapped.

Cute... can have its place. I like cute! It's colorful, light, fun, easily digestible. But cute can also be dismissive. People don't take cute seriously; because at the end of the day, cute is childish. Hello Kitty is not a serious subject. Right?¹ But the Ninja Turtles, that can be interpreted in more than one way: fun and silly, or serious, or cool. ²

I feel almost like cute children (...girls) actors/singers who struggle after they want to stop being cute. It doesn't feel respectful to me when you just label me cute, even when I have something I'm trying to say that's important to me.

It seems like no matter how hard I've tried, the words cute and adorable and sweet stick to me. The art I make can't be taken seriously because the subjects I draw aren't serious, right? So a character like Nina is easily digestible; so sickly sweet without a fucking thought inside her little bubbly airheaded brain. Like bubble pop music that you chew and spit out when its done.

But I am so much more than cute. I'm much more than simply dismissive and I am so sick of my audience reflecting that back to me. I can not stand that 100% of the replies to my art is to say its cute.

I'm mad because whenever I do my hardest to get away from that, I get told that its still cute. No one wants my version of cute, which is also so frustrating. By saying 'cute', you get to turn away and look at something else.

I feel like I'm talking in circles here. I just... I'm tired of looking at my art the way it was, the way it is. The way it will be? Will I forever be damned to draw cute girlies that you can use up and then throw away???

When does my art get to be more than something more?

If it continues to be cute, maybe that's a strength I can't ignore; and instead of fighting it, I should use that cute to give the audience challenging stories; to see that cute, sweet girls (and cute boys!) go through some challenging themes because people think they can just abuse adorable things and toss them away when they want.

Its a Gender Thing, probably???

I would say that this probably has a lot to do with being a girl. What usually happens after I make a long post like this is that I delete it. I don't want to do that this time? I want to be heard and not dismissed as some dumb girl. I have more value than the cute characters I draw for my audience.

Either way, I'm ready to draw more ugly things. More cool things. Maybe I'll be badass one day like Kaneda's bike sliding into the frame. But will people still get what I'm saying or appreciate it more or less when I'm there? Or is all the art we create dismissive because its not on a grand scale or earning millions?

I'm just tired of waking up to find that of all the things, people say my Banjo Kazooie art is cute. Uhg! I just want to be MORE than this, please.

1. Actually, I would argue that the fact that Hello Kitty doesn't have a mouth to speak her own words is kinda gross. Like, I get Sanrio's point is that she can be universal if she can't speak but it doesn't give Kitty any freedom of her own. She has no will of her own. Weird vibes.

2. There is something to say about something cute like My Little Pony. But I'm not here to talk about Lauren Faust or the origin of the brony subculture.