I'm pretty sure I have some form of impostor syndrome. As far back as high school I remember being terrified of showing people in real life some of the designs I made back then. Always thought I'd be laughed at and that I'd be told I'm just a silly little kid who needs to be exposed for the idiot she was. Was a bit easier to post these online, although it always came with the caveat that I was inferior to all the other artists and in a way, I was fine with that.
It's just online, I can wipe it all off and never hear about it ever again if someone finally decides to expose me for the fraud I am.
Fast forward several years. I'm now doing esports racing. I was recruited by Jean Alesi eSports Academy in September 2020. I qualified for the FCP Euro GTWC America 2020 championship in the GT4 category, while GT3 was reserved to people invited; notably real life drivers and established esports pros. I dominated this championship and took the GT4 title with one race to go, out of five.
In 2021 I raced in the SRO Esports Europe Sprint championship, again with JAESA. I say "with", but really all I was doing was driving around with a car bearing their colours; I never received any kind of actual support for this. (nor for the 2020 American championship, in fact!) Being effectively alone, at this level, competing against people's whose job is to do this of course led to "mixed" results.
Any time now, you'll soon have to quit cause you're totally gonna get exposed now. :)
Cars were attributed on the basis of a pre-qualification during the week before the event with 4 spots for each brand. For round 8 at Imola I pre-qualified first in the Ferrari (header picture); 2 tenths in front of David Tonizza, F1 Esports world champion and then Ferrari Driver Academy member.
This got people talking. About how I was actually slow and there was no way at all Tonizza was actually slower than me in the Ferrari, of all cars. He was just slower this one time because he had to focus on F1 Esports instead so he didn't have time to put me in my place. Fucking obviously.
"Must of these guys are sandbagging anyway to avoid further bop changes. Or do you think schöninger is actually slower than capoccia or tonizza is slower than Rose?"
Behind the scenes was actually another story: my team manager asked me to hand over the setup I had used during pre-quali because De Salvo and Tonizza were struggling with the car. I was using the same setup as them.
The day before the race I caught the flu. On race day I was medicated to hell and back to hold out for 15 minutes of quali and one hour of racing; didn't get rid of the coughing fits I had pretty often though. I had my quali session cut short by one such fit. While driving I was hot and cold at the same time, my head was spinning slightly and gods did everything hurt.
I qualified 5 HUNDRETHS from him; in the middle of the field. I was feverish, slightly delirious and I badly needed rest but chose to race instead because despite being put down repeatedly I knew I had a shot at a good result. As we were rolling towards the starting lights I pulled over and retired from the race cause I was about to puke my guts out. Also I wasn't paid a dime for all this; while someone like Tonizza and many others in the top of the field are full time.
I internalized all this shit big time. A woman capable of being faster than someone like Tonizza? Lol come on. Of course he was holding back. Lol. Stupid tranny thinks [she]'s faster than Tonizza lol.
Clearly I didn't belong and had finally been exposed as the fraud I always was. In fact I'm writing this now following a breakdown due to still thinking this way a year and a half later. Despite everything positive a lot of people in simracing have to say about what I've been doing both as a simple driver then and now as manager of Queens' Design I still cannot see myself as anything but a fraud waiting to be exposed due to experiences like this. You wonder why there are so few women competing in esports? Part of the answer is shit like this.