aivi

Some gender reflections 🖤

Recently I conversed with my friend—who identifies as agender—and through our conversation, I realized that my identifying as “non-binary” comes from feeling lots of gender all at once, and feeling like my gender exists on a 3D plane rather than a line between “male” and “female”.

Words like “gender neutral” and “androgynous” don’t describe how I feel at all, though they may describe other people’s experiences of gender. I feel the opposite of neutral! Sometimes people use “they/them” when they don’t know someone’s gender. That’s technically correct, but I always flinch a bit because my choice in adopting “they/them” pronouns for myself is intentional—it’s a pronoun that contains multitudes.

I consider myself hyperfeminine, but also 50% a dude, and 80% something else—a wonderful, mysterious experience.

Due to mommy life, I’ve been adding a little bit to this post each day since December. I meant to post my 2022 reflections on New Year’s Day, and then on the Lunar New Year, and at this point I just need to finish writing before I forget what happened in 2022. Here we go!

2022 was a special year for me because it coincided with the Year of the Tiger—my birth sign.

According to Chinese astrology:

I sometimes look to my sign for inspiration because my desire to do things is at odds with prudence and risk-aversion. So when the Year of the Tiger came around again, I decided that I’d live with the courage of the Tiger!

The result was one of the most amazing years of my life 💙

I’d been thinking about starting a record label since 2020, when my time on Steven Universe Future and Ikenfell ended. After pouring my heart into worlds built by other people, I wanted to finally nurture something of my own.

Leaving behind—or at least pausing—the career I had built and all of the connections I had made was terrifying. I had no idea what I was doing. I have a lot to say about my personal journey, but for now, I want to write about everyone who helped Infloresce Records become what it is. 💕

My friend Ko Green, a writer and artist, came up with the word “infloresce” (based on “inflorescence”) when I asked if they knew of a word that captured the feeling of “gentle and complex.” I commissioned Genie Liang, one of my favorite artists, to design our logo and label art. Her art conveys both the elegance and explorative curiosity that I wanted to curate with our music.

I recruited composers whose music and vibes as people resonated with me, and who had expressed interest in a label for “gentle digital fusion” when I put out feelers on social media. The moment we all gathered, the air felt electric. Infloresce Records became so much more than I imagined because of this collective of wonderful people.

I especially want to give a shout out to @miles, who has become an invaluable support, co-runner, and friend. My initial goals were small and simple, but Miles took initiative and proactively worked with me almost everyday to make Infloresce Records become more professional and ambitious. I wouldn’t have had the confidence to pursue a lot of what we’re doing at the moment, if it weren’t for Miles. They are ridiculously hard-working and multi-talented, and just the best person to work with!

Everyone in the label has made their mark, in big and small ways. @quarkimo is my muse—my admiration for his music and thoughtful creativity was one of the guiding lights I followed when I started the label. He and @mklachu, with their attention to detail and love of words, have become the editing team for our liner notes. (Our liner notes are really good and you should read them!)

@Promtastik hosts all of our 7jam events. @telebasher helped us run the Twitter for awhile and she moderates our events when we need a hand. (I’m currently taking drum programming lessons from her!) @jmy helps run our Instagram. @mandrasigma and @maddievision make our virtual studio feel cozy, and both of them have made music and visuals for our events. @Tancla is our emoji fairy and cute animal ambassador. (His song “Ceramic Ivy” is also one of my favorite digital fusion pieces ever!)

I came up with the concept for Floral Folklore—our first group compilation—while bouncing ideas with @kuraine. @Slide20XX and I had a deep conversation about equity, which inspired our artist fund. And @surasshu continues to be my partner in musical crime, giving me advice, helping out with album mastering, and keeping me and our baby fed during the busy times. 🥺

What I love most about our label is how we regularly hang out in video calls to help out with label tasks, cheer each other on, and simply spend time together. I really appreciate everybody’s thoughtful perspectives and unique strengths. ✨

Though we are not working together anymore, Joanna Blackhart helped set me up with accessibility tools that I use regularly for label projects. I felt it was best for us to part ways for personal reasons, but I will always appreciate Joanna’s mentorship.

Last but not least, Aggelic Yiok, who illustrated our album cover for Floral Folklore, has become our house artist. I approached her because of her clean, expressive drawings of flowers and classic fairytale themes. She’s been designing our monthly event posters, and working with her has been wonderful. (She recently beat cancer as well! Go Aggelic!)

Since launching last May, we’ve released 7 albums that are like dream albums come to life.

In December, we hosted our first Snowdrop Festival to celebrate beautiful music made in 2022, with a focus on the digital fusion community. I was inspired by Chimeratio’s Maj7 Synclisten of 2021, which has become a treasured memory for me.

I’m grateful for the honor of working with each of the incredible artists in the label and for the artists who’ve participated in our events. I’m grateful for everyone who has supported our music, attended our events, and generally has made the digital fusion community a fun place to be!

Thank you for an amazing first year of Infloresce Records 💙

Motherhood has been a life-changing experience. To say I feel “fulfilled” is an understatement – I feel utter euphoria, where every cell in my body feels aligned with who I am.

My baby’s first birthday was a big milestone—not just for him, but for me as a parent. It was an immense relief to celebrate him surviving the first year!

For his birthday, we did a Vietnamese tradition where we laid out household objects in front of him and let him choose his favorite one. The chosen object would foretell of his future. In our child’s case, it was not totally clear what his favorite was—he was curious about many things.

I can’t express enough gratitude for all of my friends who supported me and remained patient as I got the hang of motherhood. The shift to parenthood was challenging for many of my relationships, because all the love and attention I used to pour into my friends and my partner became focused on my child. Sadly, not all of my friendships survived the transition, and I’m still dealing with the pain of some falling-outs. But what remains is a strong support village that loves me and my child, and I couldn’t ask for more.

I’ve learned so much about how to be a mother from observing my mom with my baby. My grandma, who turns 100 this year and had 8 children herself, also likes to tell me stories about how she raised my uncles and aunts in Vietnam. I feel incredibly lucky that I get to receive so much wisdom from multiple generations of my family.

For the past decade of my musical career, I’d always prioritized “work that pays the bills” and never managed to release an album of my own original music. I’d often wondered if anyone even knew what I sounded like without surasshu, or without a soundtrack to score. This album was my statement.

The album also symbolized personal healing. In 2020, I injured both of my hands by overworking under tight deadlines, and I noticed how the people who imposed those deadlines didn’t care. It was a wake-up call. My wrists were in braces and I couldn’t make music or do much of anything without help. It was a difficult time for me emotionally and I deeply questioned my relationship to music.

When I emerged from the other end of my injuries a year later, I decided to rekindle my connection to music by making my first album for myself, on my own terms. My only goals were to have fun and to keep my hands comfortable!

It was a cosmic coincidence that 2022 happened to be the year of the water tiger 🌊

Thank you all for an amazing 2022. The only thing I didn’t accomplish this year was getting a tattoo, but that’s what we’re doing in 2023, baby 💕

Something that has greatly improved my relationship to my parents is to focus on what we have in common, rather than our differences. Growing up, the differences were the elephant in the room. I think that many children of parents who’ve lived through extreme hardship can relate to isolating ourselves emotionally so we wouldn’t burden our parents.

I can’t speak for everyone’s families, but I think my parents are eager to be close to their children, the way my siblings and I have always longed to be with them. In my adult life, I’ve been trusting that the love runs both ways and I try to act accordingly.

Nowadays, we see each other a few times a week and they help take care of my baby. 💖 I’m working up the courage to come out to them as non-binary. I think they’ll be fine with it, though confused.

There are still some painful differences, but I don’t think that is something that can be solved within one generation. Sometimes healing isn’t just about one person, but a whole community. I’ve accepted that I may never see the changes that I long for in my lifetime, but I think my place is to be alongside my family for the journey.

As my child grows more independent and gains proficiency with his limbs, he has taken to (checks notes) clinging onto me like a koala and nuzzling my face.