and god damn that capitalism shame is ground in deep.
I was able to swallow it for a minute and put up a GFM hoping to clear my credit cards the first week of June, just after I lost my job, but when everything else fell apart two weeks later it ate all the spoons I had to keep interacting with it (or do much of anything else) and of course soon it had been so long that embarrassment over that kept me from touching it again and at this point I can only abandon the debt to collections. (Frankly I regret not doing that months ago. I wouldn't be broke if I hadn't been making ~$850/mo in payments.)
And the truly infuriating part is that I did some math out of horrid curiosity and yep sure enough: if I tally up how much in the last four years I've put into direct individual support to creators, my own mutual aid contributions, and (of course) transition procedures that weren't covered? wow it's basically my exact debt. There is no reason whatsoever for me to be ashamed of where that money went, or feel anxious or awkward about asking for help now. And yet. 🤷♀️
Dunno. Maybe it's because for now I have the privilege of living rent free in a friendly household, and while the communal food is gonna wreck my A1c at least I'm not gonna starve; I have a keen sense that my need remains lower than many many others. But as of today I know that my next vial of estrogen will cost $70 and I do not have that money, so I'm gonna try to line these ducks up over the weekend I guess.