akhra

🏴🚩⚧️⚢♾️ΘΔ⚪

  • &🍯she/her 🐲xie/xer 🦡e/em/es

wenchcoat system:
🍯 Akhra (or Melli to disambiguate), ratel.
🐲 Rhiannon, drangolin.
🦡 Lenestre, American badger.

unless tagged or otherwise obvious, assume 🍯🐲🦡 in chorus; even when that's not quite accurate, we will always be in consensus. address collectively as Akhra (she/her), or as wenchcoat (she/her or plural).

💞@atonal440
💕@cattie-grace
❤️‍🔥(not#onhere)
🧇@Reba-Rabbit


Discord (mention cohost, I get spam follows)
@akhra
Discord server ostensibly for the Twitch channel but with Cohost in hospice y'know what let's just link it here
discord.gg/AF57qnub3D

there's this sensation that geysers up and floods my mind in seconds when I try to do nearly anything creative or productive. the best single word I can give it is dread, and while in recent years I've gotten pretty good at not letting it push me into a shame spiral, I've invoked Thompson's fear and loathing for it too. it often prevents me engaging at all with the thing I'm trying to do, and I eventually move on to something that feels... more transient? my "safe" activities can be useful (e.g. cooking) but they generally don't have any permanence, and certainly no future commitment attached.

it's hard to tell how much of this is an expression of (and/or reaction to) baseline ADHD and executive dysfunction, and how much arose from other complex trauma. I do think there are elements of both, but it wasn't anywhere near this bad through my 20s, and for that matter there have been years-long periods of (at least partial) remission since I first consciously noticed it. and with some recent things randomly jogging my memory about exactly what else was happening in my life through each of those phases, I'm starting to think the trauma factor is way bigger than I realized.

not sure yet what to do with that, but it feels like a string I need to tug.


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in reply to @akhra's post:

Familiar. It's like when you're swimming in water deeper than you can stand: I am anxiously aware that I have to keep the effort up or I will sink. Part of me is always resisting any attempts to go there and do anything with an ongoing commitment, because it's just not safe.

that's the part of it that I associate with ADHD and executive function disorder, yeah. but there are several other looming worries — that I'm doing the wrong thing, that it's useless and futile, that it won't make anyone's life better, happier, more secure (mine included, but expressly of least concern). those grew over time, clearly in part from ambient capitalism but I've been starting to identify some... reinforcing factors, I guess. and all of that is only half of it; mostly it's a shapeless storm of indeterminate terrified revulsion. but that part also showed up in the presence of aforementioned factors, so yeah I think I need to just dig more.