there's this sensation that geysers up and floods my mind in seconds when I try to do nearly anything creative or productive. the best single word I can give it is dread, and while in recent years I've gotten pretty good at not letting it push me into a shame spiral, I've invoked Thompson's fear and loathing for it too. it often prevents me engaging at all with the thing I'm trying to do, and I eventually move on to something that feels... more transient? my "safe" activities can be useful (e.g. cooking) but they generally don't have any permanence, and certainly no future commitment attached.
it's hard to tell how much of this is an expression of (and/or reaction to) baseline ADHD and executive dysfunction, and how much arose from other complex trauma. I do think there are elements of both, but it wasn't anywhere near this bad through my 20s, and for that matter there have been years-long periods of (at least partial) remission since I first consciously noticed it. and with some recent things randomly jogging my memory about exactly what else was happening in my life through each of those phases, I'm starting to think the trauma factor is way bigger than I realized.
not sure yet what to do with that, but it feels like a string I need to tug.