premise:
you are stoned. you have woken up from a 3 hour nap. you are housebound from debilitating back pain and as such you cannot go to the store, and you ran out of jelly but you happen to have some fruit gel cups in the fridge and plenty of peanut butter. enter: the mormon baptism
you need:
bread. peanut butter. dole wiggles fruit gel cup that you got a bunch of at grocery outlet for 79 cents for a pack of four the other week because it was a cheap snack
assembly:
step 1: mince the fuck out of the fruit gel in the cup. this shit doesn't spread that well since, yknow, it wasn't made to do that, so just make a mess of it and dump about half of it on your waiting slice of bread and make an attempt to spread it. eat what's left in the cup like a wild animal
step 2: peanut buttre
optional step 2a: sprinkle peanut butter with abv or put some weed oil on it or something, you're probably gonna need it if you're here
spte 3: smash bread together. marvel in your act of creation
step 4: forget to take a photo of the finished sandwich because you're so fucking ravenous from the aforementioned "waking up from a three hour nap while stoned" part that you start chowing down on the abomination immediately
step 5 (IMPORTANT): post about it online
rating: 3/5 stars
it wasn't the worst thing i've ever concocted while stoned but it does not reach the culinary heights of the pizza bagel. this is desperation food at its finest. it tastes enough like peanut butter and jelly if you don't think about it too hard and texture-wise it feels overly literal, like what you would imagine a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to feel like when you were a kid. the jelly squeezes out the side of the sandwich at a higher rate than regular jam since it's not very sticky so to avoid making a mess you slurp the sides of the sandwich like a dog as you contemplate your life choices.
i feel like it was saved by using the fruit gel cup things and not actual jello since it doesn't have gelatin in it, but it's adjacent enough to jello in terms of texture to make it weird. i dont think that if actual jello was used, it could be contained and would just fall out of all sides of the sandwich and make a mess and you'd have just wasted some perfectly good jello.
should i try making a mormon baptism?:
look if you are somehow in the specific scenario i described in the premise and you are violently craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while missing one of the crucial ingredients because you ran out but hey you got these fruit cup things from grocery outlet that are similar enough that it could work, it hits the spot well enough. any other time im not sure, just use regular jam and save your dignity
why it is called the mormon baptism:
if there is any group of humans on earth deviant enough to try putting jello in a sandwich, it's gotta be the mormons and eating this sandwich is like having your head dunked underwater as you gasp for life. i name it in their dubious honor as the primary consumers of jello on the planet. amen