ann-arcana

Queen of Burgers 🍔

Writer, game designer, engineer, bisexual tranthing, FFXIV addict

OC: Anna Verde - Primal/Excalibur, Empyreum W12 P14

Mare: E6M76HDMVU
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lexyeevee
@lexyeevee

i don't have a full thought here but i'm thinking about the particular subculture that describes themselves in what you might call "carrd form", which is a list of such things as

  • triggers
  • mental illnesses
  • characters they kin

and it was that last one in particular that made a thread start to form in my head, because i've only ever seen this as a list of characters — not a paragraph about what they mean personally or why they are such a strong fixture of identification, just "i kin them", where even the word "kin" seems to mean something different to everyone who uses it. i'm ancient enough to remember when it meant people who believe they have the literal soul of a dragon or fae or similar creature, believe in the sort of way that waves off the many questions that raises as not being relevant to the core idea, which is confusing to me but perhaps reflects a clarity of intention i can respect; on the other hand i don't think too many people are asserting they have the literal soul of elsa frozen, but they certainly intend to convey something, and exactly what that is seems to elude me

so what we have on its face is a list of consumptions, a set of well-known figures from well-known intellectual property franchises, silhouettes of personalities that were designed to be likeable and relatable and whose brands have been fully bought into

but it tells me just as much as telling me you're bipolar or can't handle photos of eye contact; it's a vague blob on the periphery, a category you fit into that might as well be the size of a horoscope. (is this a warning or a proud declaration? both are offered up with the emotional weight of a bullet point)

maybe that's the thing though; maybe it's not a new hyper-consumerist tendency to want to reduce ourselves to a short list of adjectives, maybe it's just the universal desire to be part of something, to find a group small enough that it's meaningful but large enough that we might encounter someone else in it, whether that group is capricorns or INFJs or seasonal depression or jimmy neutron kins. imagine if everyone who's into horoscopes and star signs found out that they were all allowed to make up their own star signs, that it is in fact all made up, that it is the ghosts of the long dead looking up at an arbitrary assortment of twinkling dots and passing the time by trying to find ones that roughly trace out something like a crab, and that you're also allowed to do that for any creature you like and it's no more right or wrong, only less familiar. maybe this is just deviantart likes/dislikes on your ref sheet but as passed through the strange mid-10s tumblr cultural lens where everything was judged on its validity and so you couldn't just have a personality, you had to have a named Thing and argue for its legitimacy so that your peers would not only respect it but consider it a form of bigotry for others to not like you

but maybe also we would know ourselves better if we worried less about external reference points and more about internal landmarks; if we described ourselves less as three adjectives meant to hint at the shape of our inner world and more in terms of the impact we have and aspire to have on the outer one

maybe we should see ourselves as ongoing stories, not a set of ad targeting keywords

and i don't know i'm not trying to pick on anyone here, just trying to get a feel for the shape of the world, because i've had so many moments where i've seen someone describe themselves in a way that seems incredibly specific but which feels like it tells me nothing about them, and each of these moments is its own twinkling dot in the vast expanse of the human experience and i too am just trying to find a crab


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in reply to @lexyeevee's post:

lmao i actually had an ending paragraph about that but it's kind of a whole thing and doesn't really fit. i guess the short version is that i'm "eevee" becauae the name has well over a decade of personal history for me, and the "from pokémon" part is almost vestigial. even the way i draw myself is only similar in passing

If it's any consolation in my head I somehow have "Eevee the pokemon" and "You, Eevee" in entirely different boxes by this point. (Though it's been that way a while.) I think that how you draw "Yourself, Eevee" looking distinct enough definitely contributes.

It's ironic, but in an actually affectionately comedic way, rather than the pessimistic internet humour way.

I have a lot of feelings about the current state of the term "kin" to now be a List of Adjectives but it's hard to elucidate without feeling like I'm identity policing or Old Dragon Yells At Cloud. Part of it is because I too have been around since it meant "literal soul" stuff.

I think if anything "maybe we should see ourselves as ongoing stories, not a set of keywords" is pretty succinct a statement about this whole phenomenon. I've turned my nose up before at the (initially) Tumblr culture of listing sexuality right in one's profile, in part because you can't really reduce who you are to keywords, why not leave that information to actual conversation between people when it's relevant?

I assume the people doing this these days mean "characters they kin" to be a less offensive version of the colloquial practice of calling random characters/critters/etc one's spirit animal

I also just assume the people doing this are way more trouble than they're worth and try to avoid interacting with them because I don't need that shit in my life I got enough problems.

I have been acutely aware that how much I love Manaphy (and it's been nearly 15 years at this point) boils down to capitalism brain rot and I'm having trouble reconciling that with what you said

Like I'm pretty sure the emotional anchor it provides me is one of the last few things keeping me sane and non-suicidal but I'm also aware it's not actually good for me because it probably prevents me from maturing but I simply need the copium of having small blue friend in my brain

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please take this as me saying this in the kindest way possible:

but I'm also aware it's not actually good for me because it probably prevents me from maturing

but like......... why? how? how is it bad for you? how does it keep you from maturing? why on this heck of an earth do you need to beat yourself up for liking things? what good does it bring to the world, but more importantly what good does it bring to you?

like yeah, sure, pokemon is a Franchise and certainly there are Problematic Elements or Problematic Things the company has done or what have you but beating down on yourself for having some damn joy in this damn world is not going to change society in any meaningful way. like obviously you shouldn't, say, buy so many pokeplushes that you can't afford food or whatever, but that's separate from just liking the small blue friend. it's okay to like the small blue friend. I promise.

(very sorry for being a complete stranger that wandered up and went off on you, I just have a lot of strong feelings about being allowed to have joy, haha.)

I do not know how to respond to your comment without saying something that I think will cause psychic damage, unironically, to everyone that would read it. So just be aware that I'm going to cut extremely deep after this paragraph.

Let's start with the old chestnut "There's no ethical consumption under capitalism". But honestly, I think we could go one step further back; "There is no ethical consumption". And I mean that super duper literally; you must consume to live, and even if you're vegan, you kill plants to eat them to keep living. It's impossible to exist without causing harm, fundamentally. So we have to start building parameters of what acceptable harm is.

It essentially becomes the Sorites Paradox (how many grains of sand makes a heap of sand a heap) except applied to moral philosophy. How much harm is acceptable? I don't really want to give specific examples; we could range all the way from eating plants to committing genocides on the same scale. I really don't think there's any fundamental difference between any two points on that scale, except at some point, we as a societal collective must decide "this is where it counts as crossing the line".

So ultimately it has very little to do with Manaphy or any other media character, in and of itself, it has to do with my personal grappling with how much harm I'm causing by consuming product. I agree that liking pokemon really, really isn't harmful, fundamentally. But what if one day pokemon gets Harry Potter'd? THEN will the social line be redrawn for pokemon to no longer be ethical to consume? I get no say, personally, when or where that line gets redrawn. All I get to do is choose if I'm going to move relative to that line, to stay behind where things are ethical, and not causing harm, or stay where I am, embrace that society now deems me a harm-doer, and decide not to care.

Hence going back to my original stance about the necessity of the coping mechanism to keep from going suicidal. I NEED to believe that the harm I'm causing is within acceptable levels, or else I believe that I'm better off dead, where my harm will definitely be zero. And I'm aware, just like everyone else that I've posited this theory to, that A. Life is not a zero-sum exchange of help and harm or B. I am never contributing any help to the world, only harm.

God I've gone so fucking far off the rails for what I think was @lexyeevee 's point.

I'm going to try to bring this back around. Using a kin or a persona or whatever of a copyrighted character isn't going to cause meaningful harm, you're right. Should I let it bother me that I'm choosing to enjoy Media Product™? I don't know. I've been asked a ton of times why I don't have a fur/persona and it's because it just feels fucking wrong to make one from a copyrighted character and I don't have the creative skill to design something on my own that's worth a damn. Everything I like was created ultimately for the sake of making money, and any effigies of pokemon or any other Media Product™ I have were probably made with borderline slave labor. And consuming those things, despite knowing the harmful origins, is what I'm referencing when I'm speaking about a lack of maturity.

Speaking of maturing, my "ongoing story", to reference the OP, is angrily redefining myself nonstop and never being happy with literally anything. I've settled on using my birth name and a procedurally generated string that I was assigned as a username in college as my identifiers because that's the only thing I really feel works, random, arbitrary things I had no choice over. There's a catharsis in randomness; the moral responsibility of holding that identity isn't mine. But something I had a choice in? Well, that was my choice, to do something that makes the world different. And I'm too much of a coward to enjoy having that choice. Hence why I whinge on the internet about why liking media is fundamentally unethical because literally everything is fundamentally unethical. I lock up trying to draw the line and that's why I wish I wasn't alive to keep having to make the decision. But I'm, you know, afraid of death. So here I am. Making a way too long response to you about a topic that's barely related to the OP because you asked why I didn't think it was mature to like a cartoon slug.

I see and hear this, and I want to raise this point in return: not only is it impossible to live a totally ethical existence, you also do not owe anyone a totally ethical existence. You are allowed to like messy things, to be messy, to just... be!

You're right in that there's no clear line, but... I don't think there has to be? I think everyone's circumstances and stories are different, and that trying to draw A Universal Line That Applies To Everyone, minus obvious and egregious things like "don't literally murder people," is impossible and cruel and a prime case of valuing ideals over people when it should be the other way around. We can only decide where our personal lines are and do our best to show compassion and understanding to people on an individual basis, including and especially ourselves.

Or like, in a much less abstract way to put that... imagine someone you love coming up to you with all the same agonies you've voiced. Feeling like they need to cut themselves off from their sources of joy, feeling like they're better off dead because they're incapable of living a Pure Existence. I think I'd speak for a lot of people here when I say that this would be a heartbreaking thing to hear from someone I love. (Heck, it's heartbreaking to hear from strangers, too!)

But, idk. Yeah. This is getting off-topic, haha. But... yeah. I felt compelled to answer because this strangled me for years and years too. And it sucked! It never led to anything good or meaningful! And... yeah. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this, too, and I just wanted to let you know, you don't owe anyone that suffering. You're allowed to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves, and I hope that someday you'll be able to find some measure of peace.

Thanks for your response. I appreciate you asking me to elaborate because I didn't really even have words for this until I was prompted to put them down on paper. I also appreciate your empathy in general.

y'know it's funny i definitely grew up with that kind of tumblr culture and like, very carefully curated a kin list for precisely that purpose of "this is a way to signal the Group that i am in and the role that i want to play in that group" but now i still have that kin list and it feels more, reflective? like i am well past the point where i feel like looking at a wall of like forty different cartoon girls is going to tell anyone else who i am in any meaningful way beyond 'i like cartoons and grew up on tumblr' but like. i dunno i see the patterns. having this reference of media that was a part of my life both in terms of the watching of it and of the emotional impact it had on me and the way i latched on to particular ways of seeing myself gives me like, a little snapshot of who i was the last time i updated it, the sort of person that would put uriel from orv and venus from wktd right next to each other and what that says about them and me and the relationships between all of those all at once, and in that case i kinda relish in the hyper-specificity of it

though also i have at multiple points written up paragraph-long explanations for why all of those characters are so meaningful to me personally and i do absolutely need to finish that for its current iteration because that seems like a much better reference for "people who are not me" of which i have been informed that there are many??? fucked up

this reminds me of a division that i'm not entirely sure how to put into words

i guess the short fuzzy version is that i've seen people who adopt a character like it's a nice outfit, and i've seen people who adopt a character like it's their local sports team

if we described ourselves less as three adjectives meant to hint at the shape of our inner world and more in terms of the impact we have and aspire to have on the outer one

Gonna think about this for approximately one forever, thank you.

I usually look at carrds to see what boundaries a person has before interacting with them. The kin thing is odd, but a little understandable, they just "click" with the characters so much that they feel a kinship with them. I seen this with younger people (under 20 yrs), but rarely with older people.

I think the strangest thing about kinning characters is see some people who are vehemently do not want to interact with another "clone", another kinner of their character. I don't get it. It's a character you like so much that you feel a relation to, but other people might feel the same way, right? But it's like a competition for who is the character. I honestly don't get it.

Anyway, I really like a certain angry paintbrush character so much that I based multiple ocs on. I just like their non-binary gender angst.

I feel like the non-interaction thing is an indicator of the older use of the term “kin,” namely fictionkin, which was in turn an adaptation of otherkin. I remember an alarming number of people (originally on livejournal, later on tumblr and even mastodon) deciding they were the literal embodiment of a specific anime character at the soul level, and anyone else claiming to be such a thing for the same character either were lying or were diluting their hold on the soul.

This feeds into my greater theory of the internet being an awful place to grow up.

i saw what i think is kind of a related thing in the talk around Jaiden Animations' video on asexuality

there were a lot of people who felt really relieved and excited when they found out that asexuality was A Thing and, like, i don't remember when i first heard the word but i know i didn't have that kind of reaction. i see the word "asexual" as a mostly-accurate description of me, not a group that's recognised as legitimate

like, the existence of a video didn't teach me that being ace doesn't make you any less of a person, it was the combination of being ace and not being any less of a person that taught me that

i guess there's a Kinds of People thing here, when we look to the people around us to gauge whether we're doing good, some folks like to have concrete landmarks, like labels or role models

the strange mid-10s tumblr cultural lens where everything was judged on its validity and so you couldn't just have a personality, you had to have a named Thing and argue for its legitimacy so that your peers would not only respect it but consider it a form of bigotry for others to not like you

Thank you so much for this wording I'm gonna be thinking about it for months

idk what the deal with “kinning” specifically is, other than if someone said i “kin” with Wario or whatever i would very loudly say that that’s incorrect. but this stirs up thoughts i have on like, online bios in general, especially since i redid mine recently‐ish after i abandoned Twitter.

giving an “elevator pitch” for an entire person is something i used to just see as just a product of capitalism and social media telling us that we need to make ourselves “marketable”. it might still be that a little bit, but more so i think socializing through the computer just forms alternate social conventions is all. being able to communicate “i support trans rights”, and avoid people who at least make it part of their identity that they explicitly do not, has saved me a lot of grief which is always harder to avoid irl. so i’ve assumed that people describing in detail what minorities they’re part of in their bios is part of them trying to communicate in a similar way like, “hey i’m safe to be around if you’re also like me”. and also boosting visibility for minorities is important i suppose, though i usually think of media as being more important for this than online bullet‐point bios. i dunno, i’m cis and straight and able‐bodied and don’t really feel a need to proclaim this, so it’s confused me as to why other people feel the need to tell you their gender and sexuality and disabilities upfront. but i’m also clearly not part of any minorities here, so there’s plenty i can’t relate with directly. (i do fill out English pronouns in my bios at least, since this is useful and harmless, and anyone who has an issue with people who put pronouns in their bios should feel free to not talk to me anyway.)

arguably none of this stuff is really “who you are” at all, but it’s not really how i think of myself either, similar to how the sanitized version of myself i present in public also isn’t how i think of myself. i’ve never once thought to myself “alright how can i be more like this Wario Land 4 Sound Room Guy personality which i’ve decided i am now”. besides, it’s impossible to summarize an entire person, with all their lived experiences and how those have shaped their worldviews and personality. trying to answer “what do i do most notably” and “what are my broad worldviews” is how i try to get my bio as close as i reasonably can, but maybe other people would say that their experiences struggling with illness or whatever communicate more aspects, or more important aspects, of their lives. though, approximately 800 years ago when i used Tumblr, i had a bio page that included lists of what IPs i had interest in and what mental and social struggles i had. and within, i dunno, probably a year or two, i completely wiped it as my growing issues with the culture on Tumblr led me to criticize all aspects of it and it occurred to me like, why the hell do i have this here. close friends are the only people who might want to know this stuff about me, or that i would want to know this stuff about me, and they’re not going to be reading the bio page on my Tumblr anyway. i’ve also come to reckon with the fact that i didn’t have much in my bio in terms of political ideologies/worldviews because i tried to ignore the fact that unfortunately i don’t live in a world where i can afford to not participate in these discussions (since “neutrality” implicitly supports those in power).

now, i still have this whole Wario thing going on, but it’s been more about identifying myself than anything else. like, so people can use my avatar, username, and unique line in my bio (a quote from WL4’s manual) to be like “ok yes i recognize this person, it’s the Wario Land 4 Sound Room Guy”. which is great! and desirable. makes me feel more like i have a rooted identity than just being another person who drifts along the information highway without a face or purpose. but i don’t need Wario to do this. indicating “i like video games, including these games” isn’t pointless, but increasingly i feel i’d rather not be associated so strongly with Nintendo, even though there’s a lot of effective reclaiming of their IPs online. (hm, i suppose this reclaiming is a lot stronger with Pokémon than, maybe all other Nintendo IPs?) now, for a long‐ass time i’d accepted that i could Never change this part of my identity since uh, Twitter removed animated GIF avatar uploads and i wanted to keep mine forever. but now i don’t use Twitter, so who cares! it’s not pressing, but i’d like to make my identity more distinct and more “me” in that way (even though people who know my face but not WL4 have assumed it’s literally me in this avatar before). tangentially‐related confession time: tbh i used to not like your new avatars as much as the ones that looked more like Game Freak’s Pokémon Eevee, mostly because i thought the big dark brown animal eyes were cuter than the white‐filled ones, but now i’m like, ah she’s claiming her own identity and proud of her developed drawing skills so i’m happy for her, and also this design is cute af too. big pink boopable nose.

it's very funny to me that i know and recognize "wario 4 music room guy", "twilight sparkle", and occasionally more recently "pinkie pie", and i'm sure others as well, but i've never given it a second thought. there's probably more to it but the immediate distinction that comes to mind is like... stating that you're something, versus just doing whatever. maybe i feel like if someone gives me information that i'm supposed to do something with it, and i just have a blank spot in my brain for "i kin the wario land 4 game and watch shop guy", and no one else has this problem

you're not wrong that big dark animal eyes are cute! but they're also super hard to aim anywhere in particular so there's a strong bend towards scooby doo painting staring at the viewer kinda stuff

i've always found labels like alterhuman, copinglink, otherkin, fictionkind etc. more useful as descriptors than a list of kintypes without any clarification on what op means by "kin". bonding over a shared community or experience (or even learning about one you're not familiar with!) feels more natural to me than trying to judge somebody's character by which fictional dudes they've collected - and i say that as a guy with his own fictional dudes collection very much reflects who he is

as deeply as i identify as my kintypes and have kin memories and shifts and all that oldschool funky junk, i'm more than "a claptrap kinnie" and how that kintype affects me and my relationships is broad and weird and interesting!!!

similarly, sticking adhd in your bio can be good for solidarity but doesn't really tell anybody anything about you if it's the only thing in there. adhd affects everybody differently, and if you know how it affects you... why not write about what kinda guy it makes you? it makes ME a chatterbox, forgetful, passionate, fun-loving and friend-oriented, a casual gamer, an animation enjoyer, and a pig enthusiast! it's not hard to find neat things to say about yourself when you really put your mind to it, and labels can be a great place to start!!

it's not wrong or bad for people to show off words they resonate with though, not even hyperspecific microlabels or phobias that have older folks quietly slapping "what does x mean" into google, but it sometimes feels like a performance instead of a real attempt to describe themselves. in the worst cases, people will reduce their character to an aesthetic for readability or fixate on labelling absolutely EVERYTHING so strangers can know every little detail about them without them actually describing anything or exchanging any dialogue

which is kinda troubling bcuz how do they make friends off the internet? sometimes you just gotta take a leap, have a chat with a random and see what clicks! keywords can only do so much heavy lifting

this is a topic i've been thinking about a lot lately and i consider it primarily to be a facet of late-stage capitalism and the categorisation of identity. it's not necessarily something that people want as much as it is something people are led to believe is the trend or the 'appropriate' way to do things. social media nowadays has filed the edges off individuality and has largely boiled Being A Person down to a profile picture and a text box, and i find it troubling that people are willing to accept that

that being said, relating to or kinning fictional characters is fine. felt i should have clarified. i don't think relating to characters is somehow an evil of capitalism. i'm specifically talking about the use of labels and categories to define oneself in the face of the overwhelming fluidity of identity; i feel like such simplification is a result of capitalist pressures