I think something that's not talked about enough probably because it's very obvious and yet maybe we all forget this is that it feels really bad when someone is rude to you—even when you know that person is wrong or overreacting. We talk a lot these days about the value of the honest real kind versus the fake shallow nice but I think there is a value to nice.
There is a value in pausing and thinking about what you're about to say and if the way you're saying it is unnecessarily hostile or aggressive. Not because you're a bad person for feeling that way or being transparent about how you feel. But because it's nice when people make that slight effort to be nice to each other. It feels bad when someone is unnecessarily rude or mean to you, and it's nice when people choose to keep some of that to themselves and instead phrase things a little more diplomatically or neutrally.
Obviously, as an Autistic person, I am not setting a high bar here for people to do lots of dancing around things and indirectness and mind-reading nonsense. But there's just such a big difference between the neutral-nice "Man, I'm disappointed that this library doesn't have Goncharov on Blu-Ray. Can you order that for me?" versus the rude "this piece of shit library doesn't even have Goncharov on Blu-Ray. Order it." It's communicating the same thing but honestly the tone is just such a big difference! Neither of these is "kind" they're both complaints followed by directives, but one of them just feels a lot better to be on the receiving end of!
A nice thing about being a librarian whose supervisor is a former bartender is we just treat the library like a bar. If someone is being hostile or rude to us, we just kick them out. We talk back and tell them "don't talk to me like that or I'm not ordering Goncharov on Blu-Ray." It's a free service, we don't need any individual person to borrow any individual item. But like, most other people don't have that option. Most workers don't get to talk back to customers or bosses or clients. Also, even outside of a work situation, it just sucks when someone in public is rude to you in an unnecessary way. Like, I had someone sarcastically call me "little miss sunshine" for having a flat affect and neutral face. It's just rude and mean. Leave me alone. What's your problem. Sheesh, y'know?
Anyway, not expecting everyone to have the best social skills or anything, and I really do value candor and honesty and such. I just think sometimes it's worth it to avoid cuss words in some contexts.
as someone who has spent a bunch of time explicitly teaching myself how to frame the stuff I say in a nice way in the way that Shel is talking about and: it gets results. Not necessarily in terms of "people doing what you want" (although sometimes that too), but mostly just in terms of people being happier when they interact with you and being nice back to you. It feels good!
My grandmother taught me there is great power in being polite, even in the face of assholes.
I think of it this way: Say someone has done something to piss you off.
There are really only two options as to why: 1) they didn't mean to, and 2) they very much did.
In the first case, there's no sense being a dick back because all it will do is escalate the situation, but being nice as you can might just defuse the moment and even get them reconsidering, if it's in their power to do better. Sometimes it isn't!
In the second case, well, they're an asshole. But now they're an asshole with intent. They wanted to piss you off, they want a fight, but why should you give an asshole what they want? I find more often than not the best thing to piss them off right back is just not to give it to them. Smile, nod, and disengage. They don't know what to do at that point, and you can just walk away. If it helps, try to see the comedy in it: it's after all pretty funny to see a grown adult act like that, if you think about it for a second.
I'm not saying be a door mat (though I've got the worst case of that, I'll admit). Just think through a situation and ask what energy you're bringing to it, and if that's what you really want, and what will actually make this situation over with a minimum of pointless grief.
