Every year, on December 31st, Belgian music lovers gather in front of their radios for "De Tijdloze" ("The Timeless List"), our country's most celebrated and definitive list of the best songs of all time, as voted by, well, them. Sometime in late fall, our public broadcasting service will call on the Belgian people to turn in their top threes of their favourite songs, and the results are then revealed during a ten-hour long radio show on the last day of the year. This is a big deal. Such a big deal, in fact, that during the week before the broadcast, they air a whole daily late night talk show all about discussing last year's list and anticipating what this year's edition looks like.
This list is also widely considered to be an absolute shitshow. Of course it is. It's a popular vote. It has all the classic trappings of a list decided on by popular vote. Recent songs score better than they probably deserve, even though there is a rule that states a song must be at least three years old to compete. Artists who have died that year will obvious get a leg up, while those who have suffered negative press will get one, err, down. And of course, most of the artists on this list are white, straight and male, because that's what most of the people who voted for it are.
This results in a list that is a bizarre mishmash of classic boomer rock staples, weird novelties that are the result of online troll campaigns dedicated to rigging the vote, obscure inclusions voted in by niche fanbases coming out of the woodwork to give their favourites their proper dues, and also a Simon and Garfunkel cover by fucking Disturbed, of all things. Now, because I have opinions about this year's edition of the list, I'm going to share them with you, not only so you can witness the monstrosity this list has become for yourself, but also so you can eventually yell at me for making fun of your dad's favourite band.
(Note: There are a couple of Belgian songs on the list that international readers will obviously never have heard of, which I have marked with a 🇧🇪 emoji. I personally believe there is not a single song my country has produced that deserves to share a list with the likes of Springsteen, Bowie or Prince, but I also understand that's just how it goes. I do recommend giving these songs a listen, though, since they are quite good.)
(Note 2: If I don't have anything to say about a song, you are safe to assume that I like it and believe it deserves a spot on the list.)
Anyway, this is what this year's list looked like.
(100) Motörhead - Ace of Spades
(99) Goose - Synrise 🇧🇪
(98) Meat Loaf - Paradise by the Dashboard Light
(97) R.E.M. - Losing My Religion
Second best use of the mandolin after the Silent Hill theme.
(96) Michael Kiwanuka - Cold Little Heart
This is a perfectly fine song, but what the hell is it doing on this list otherwise dominated by the stereotypical tastes of fiftysomething white men and their teenage sons? Did HBO pay the channel for an extended Big Little Lies commercial?
(95) Red Zebra - I Can't Live in a Living Room 🇧🇪
Look, some chauvinism is to be expected, but voting a one hit wonder that only people in one part of one of the smallest countries on the planet have heard of is tempting fate. It’s not even a particularly noteworthy song. I think the channel must’ve mistaken people asking their phones “what does new wave sound like” and getting this as a result for them actually liking this song.
(94) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge
(93) Oasis - Wonderwall
Three whole-ass entries in a top 100 of a best songs of all time list is way too much credit for the Gallaghers, especially on a list with no Blur on it, but I’m not gonna deny this song is a classic.
(92) Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
(91) Big Brother and the Holding Company - Piece of My Heart
Janis Joplin has quite the set of pipes, but this feels like it’s only on here because the list gets (rightfully) criticized every year for not having enough women on it and this caused the brains of all the classic rock grognards voting for it to short-circuit because don’t know any other female artists who fit their extremely narrow definition of “good music”.
(90) Neil Young - Heart of Gold
I hope Joe Rogan hosts the list next year so we don’t have to hear this old fart and his mewling ever again.
(89) Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?
Great band. Great song. Probably shouldn’t be on this list.
(88) Oasis - Champagne Supernova
(87) Coldplay - Yellow
They kicked “Karma Police” off the list and replaced it with this. That’s like claiming your computer can do without a fan because you can also cool it down by dropping it into a bathtub filled with ice water.
(86) The Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
By the way, There are more Stones songs in this list than there are Beatles songs. I know comparing these two as if they are in any way of equal quality or even comparable is, like, one of the biggest things in music, but come the fuck on.
(85) Linkin Park - Numb
We’re gonna have to do a “you must be to vote” disclaimer next year, aren’t we?
(84) The Sisters of Mercy - Temple of Love
(83) U2 - With or Without You
I know it’s cool to dunk on U2 nowadays, but in all honestly, you have to admit that most of it is entirely justified.
(82) Radiohead - Paranoid Android
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to list a single song as my favorite song of all time, this would probably be it. Seeing it this low on the list, especially considering some of the utter crap that is yet to come, is a complete fucking travesty.
(81) Editors - No Sound but the Wind
This version of the song is a live performance from Rock Werchter festival in 2010, when it looked as if this band were going to become the biggest thing in the universe. That, err, didn’t happen, but it’s nice to get a yearly reminder of just how much of a cultural touchstone that performance was. It’s basically our Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock.
(80) Anne Clark - Our Darkness
(79) David Bowie - Space Oddity
(78) The Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter
(77) Pink Floyd - Time
(76) T.C. Matic - O La La La 🇧🇪
(75) Guns n' Roses - November Rain
We know we’re all just here for the guitar solo. Do we really have to sit though the fifteen thousand minutes of Axl Rose preceding it?
(74) Jimi Hendrix - All Along the Watchtower
(73) Led Zeppelin - Kashmir
Eh. Kind of a mid Greta Van Fleet rip-off, to be honest.
(72) Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Ship Song
(71) Nina Simone - Feeling Good
(70) The Doors - The End
It’s called “the End”, because after you’re done listening to it, you never want to hear music ever again. Tell your dad I’m sorry for offending him, but the only acclaim The Doors deserve is for making it all the way through this chore of a song without spontaneously falling asleep on their instruments.
(69) Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet
If your dad were a band, he would be Dire Straits: mundane and kind of boring, but pleasant to have around and always there for you.
(68) Neil Young - Like a Hurricane
Yes, hello, police? I'd like to report a case of animal abuse.
(67) Arctic Monkeys - R U Mine?
Great band. Great song. Probably shouldn’t be on this list.
(66) Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows
The only song with Dave Grohl on it that actually deserves to be on here.
(65) The Beatles - A Day in the Life
Here it is, the one (1!) Beatles song on this list, and what an odd choice for the one (1!) Beatles song on this list it is. It’s not quite the kind of troll that voting in, I dunno, “Revolution 9” or “Yellow Submarine” as the one (1!) Beatles song would be, but still. If someone asked you to name one (1!) song by The Beatles, admit it, this wouldn’t even be the, like, twentieth song you list. Like, it’s a great song, a phenomenal achievement in studio wizardry, but it’s literally also just two (2!) songs Lennon and McCartney just kid of slapped together. I think that even within this specific niche of vaguely psychedelic, experimental Beatles songs, there are better Beatles songs than this one (1!). Put “Strawberry Fields Forever” on there! Heck, put “Tomorrow Never Knows” on there! Or you know what, put more than one (1!) fucking Beatles song on this godforsaken list.
(64) Eels - That Look You Give That Guy
This is the bone we throw to incels every year to prevent school shootings in this country.
(63) Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
Fuck you, Win Butler. Fuck you for ruining every gorgeous song you have ever written. I wished you a top ten spot. Now you don’t even deserve the sixty-third.
(62) U2 - One
... on second thought, I'd still rather listen to the sex offender than listen to fucking Bono.
(61) Dire Straits - Money for Nothing
If your dad were a band, he would be Dire Straits: dated, cheesy and prone to casually dropping slurs, but charming in his own dorky way.
(60) Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor
Great band. Great song. Absolutely should be on this list.
(59) Johnny Cash - Hurt
This is not just one of the greatest covers of all time — sorry, Trent — I don’t even think it would be particularly controversial to say this is one of the greatest songs of all time.
(58) Foo Fighters - My Hero
Dave Grohl is a great guy, but unfortunately, being a great guy doesn’t make you a great songwriter.
(57) Muse - Knights of Cydonia
What do you mean, Muse are a bunch of pompous hams that don’t deserve to be on a list of the greatest songs of all time? You mean those lists that unironically eulogize bands like Led Zeppelin and Deep fucking Purple? Fuck off. At least Muse sound know they are utterly ridiculous.
(56) Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
Heh. A band named after that T-shirt brand. Heh.
(55) Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
(54) Arno - Les yeux de ma mère 🇧🇪
(53) Disturbed - The Sound of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friend. Every year I listen to this list and year after year I am once again surprised, then befuddled and then infuriated by the continued inclusion of this unholy abomination. What in the eldritch large intestine of Yog-Sothoth is this? Where did this come from? Is there some kind of Chechanian clickfarm out there looking to destabilize the West by sowing confusion among its citizens, trying to fool us into believing there are some among us who think this is good music? Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel should sue these repugnant motherfuckers for defamation.
(52) Bruce Springsteen - The River
(51) Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
(50) System of a Down - Chop Suey!
Okay, I'm cutting it short here, because this post is already long enough. Expect part two with the exciting revelation of the list's second half and the top ten, err, later.