I was recently reminded about one of the songs in the game that touched me the most, and that spiralled out of control into another reminiscing session. Thinking back on my relationship with the game, and how I don't think I'll ever experience anything quite like it again. Below the cut is a massive deep dive into my feelings on the subject, talking in-depth about my feelings on two moments in particular. It's going to be a fucking mess because I was never all that great at concisely expressing my emotions, but if you're interested in experiencing something through the eyes of another, the door is open.
Final Fantasy XIV as a whole is a pretty spectacular game. Sure, it has a rough start but what else do you expect from the first patch of a game literally revived from the brink of death? Despite how amazing the rest of the game is, though, I honestly, sincerely think that Shadowbringers was and still is a perfect expansion, and I'd daresay it's the game's best. Far from the most controversial opinion, I know, but if all we posted was hot takes then the site would be a lot more exhausting, no? Endwalker is definitely a contender for that spot, and I'd say it's dangerously close to tying for first place, but Shadowbringers wins out because it holds the distinct honor of being the first video game to ever make me cry both tears of awe in beauty and empathetic sadness. I know that kind of sounds like some kind of toxic masculinity bullshit, and you'd be right! FFXIV and the friends I made through it during this expansion were the driving force behind breaking open my walls and forcing me to truly get in touch with my emotions, and it's no surprise that my tentative explorations into LGBTQ expression were reinforced and solidified through those bonds and the characters I played in this game. ...But you're not here to read my life story, although the aimless, emotionally-charged ramblings of a hopelessly nostalgia-blinded man might not be much better, haha. At any rate...
The first time I entered the Crystarium wasn't much of an event, but it felt amazing and the atmosphere was brilliant. I quickly fell in love with the world of Norvrandt and the people within it. I didn't stay long, as regrouping with my lost comrades took precedent, of course, but I did take note of the people of this world and their constant battle against the encroaching Light. I saw firsthand the horrors of the Sin Eaters, and the apathy of Eulmore, but nothing embodied the struggle of this world more than one character, in my eyes: Lyna, the captain of the Crystarium guard. Someone with clear compassion and love for her people, but who also knows that a leader needs to be strong in the face of such a dominant opposing force. How hard she fought for her people and her home. It was honestly inspiring, it made me want to save this world even more. So I fought too.
But what finally got me was when night fell for the first time, after such a harrowing struggle and all the events that preceded it, after a desperate battle through a dungeon that honestly I could write an entire post about on its own. The eternal Light proven to be vanquishable, and you're rewarded by such a beautifully relaxing rendition of the Crystarium's theme.
It reinforces the idea that this fight is one worth continuing, that you're doing genuine good for the people of this world. The music crescendos, and honestly I was already nearing tears when that triumphant reprise of Tomorrow and Tomorrow's main melody kicked in. It was like the splendor of the Crystarium itself and what it stands for composed in song form. What follows was a more lighthearted repeat of that same melody, almost sounding like you're going out for a night on the town with your friends.
And then the lyrics hit.
Stand tall, my friend
May all of the dark deep inside you find light again
This time, tumbling, turning, we make amends
Eternal winds from the land ascend
Here to lift us that we won’t end
That was the moment that finally broke me and got me to cry openly at just how fucking beautiful and majestic this expansion is. I had to take a good minute to just sit there and soak it all in, and it made me think about why I got into this game in the first place. Back when I was first leveling through A Realm Reborn (around the time Stormblood released, for reference), I could not stop liveblogging to the friend that got me into it about all the cool environmental shit I was seeing, how much I loved the music, I was basically just gushing my heart out. Eventually, the novelty started to wear off a bit, but I never truly lost that sense of wonder with each new zone discovered. I did stop liveblogging, though. Until Shadowbringers. By this time, I had drifted away from my old friend for unrelated reasons, but I'd found a new community and friends to share my experience with. Shadowbringers was the first expansion I'd decided to liveblog about since I first started playing, all those years ago. And this moment is why. The game showing me that amidst all the pain, tragedy, and overwhelming despair - there is still hope. There is still a reason to fight, to Stand Tall.
...But despite the happy feelings, my work was not yet finished. There was a whole continent to save, after all. Once I'd taken a well-deserved rest - one that my companions insisted I take, but one I took regardless - I continued the fight elsewhere, but ultimately I would return to Lakeland. Having returned triumphant from another victory against the Sin Eaters, I was expecting another period of grace, but I would be afforded no such luxury. Vauthry was sending his pets to attack the Crystarium and Lakeland as a whole, now. This fight sticks out vividly in my mind, because the atmosphere was just so perfect. I'm not sure if the weather was scripted for this instance, but when I played it was dark and stormy, reflecting the desperate struggle of the guard and those who fought alongside them, myself included. I remember the actual fights feeling very difficult for me at the time, just barely managing to make it between waves. It added so much to the despair of the scenario playing out, and though we were ultimately victorious, it came at great cost. Then, the second moment that struck me happened. Lyna, ever the stoic bastion of her people, the one who inspired me to fight this fight with as much conviction as I had, the proud face of the Crystarium guard... Broke.
She falls, and tries to assure both us and herself that everything is fine, better than fine, in fact! But her words eventually break to show her true feelings. When her voice cracks and the sorrow and guilt she feels flows out, it still tears my heart in two to this very day. The english voice actress for Lyna did a fucking amazing job here, and it's due to her performance that this scene will never fail to bring tears to my eyes no matter how much time has passed. Endwalker has tear-jerking moments for absolute certain, but nothing will ever match the sheer personal empathy I have for this one scene in particular.
Final Fantasy XIV is truly something special, despite all the Discourse™ that tends to surround it and its community. It will always hold a special place in my heart, and these two moments, among many, many others, are tempered proof of that. Stand tall, my friends.