finally coming to terms with and accepting that i'm autistic. not sure i feel the same pride about this part of my identity as others do, and i certainly feel more proud of other parts of who i am more. but when my therapist talked to me about some of this stuff and suggested this possibility to me, a lot of these confusing/shameful moments in my life where i felt i was just doing something wrong that i didn't understand began to make more sense. i was the lone autistic person in a room full of neurotypicals and that's why i got the vacant stares and the silent treatment when they didn't know how to respond to anything i had said.
my feelings about it still kinda ebb though. it's one thing to accept being who you are, and another to accept being different in a way many people struggle to understand or accept. at least figuring this out has clarified a number of things for me. unearthed another piece of myself in a garden where i had unknowingly buried it. sunlight can fall upon its surface once more, as i wipe away the grime of my self-loathing clinging to it