when we do manage to bring up these conversations, which is always an uphill battle, as talking at all about this gets read as hostile, the white person is always at a total loss as to how to proceed, and very frequently we get asked for "our insight" as though we have some superior thoughts on the subject
and, like, first off, expecting us to have The Solution is doubling down on the offensive behavior, and is you perpetuating the cycle onto us
second, the offramp to these cycles requires work from other people, not us
"stop putting us in these double-binds when they come up"
"meaningfully include us in your spaces instead of assuming that we have the same types and shapes of social connection that you do
"do us the respect of considering that our anger at being consistently cast out is in fact legitimate, instead of indication that your worst fears about us are true"
"resolve your issues with us promptly and in the moment, not years later after brewing bad blood"
but the double bind we are placed in, is that we cannot ask for this without appearing "entitled and superior", and if we do not ask for it, then we continue to be disrespected systemically.