alex tax1a

@atax1a

plural atomic queer, OG demon core

they/them^xe/xer

we make bad posts // discord: atax1a

email inbox at work every day, this x400

Subject: [ACTION REQUIRED - Please Read!!] HR Notice
Body:

Your vacation time off was approved. No action is required.

Subject: [URGENT] Mandatory Meeting in 3 Minutes
Body:

hewwo this is your project manager, I'm lonely UwU

Subject: Townhall Fireside AMA with Some Director you didn't know you had!
Body:

My performance evals are coming up soon and I need to make an appearance before the peons. I will give a 50 minute presentation with absolutely no content. 10 minutes are held for Q&A, but I will not actually answer any questions.

Subject: Automated Robot Logger Message Broker Notification
Body:

(100 lines of entirely unreadable garbage)

A server somewhere is on fire. The company is hemorrhaging money. End times are nigh.

(100 more lines of entirely unreadable garbage)

#email #corporate culture #bureaucracy #capitalism

alex tax1a @atax1a7/15/2023, 2:27 AM

used to work at f5 and got emails indistinguishable from this on a regular basis:

Opportunity Costs:

Branches	TARGET
SOURCE	nail	bugs	pem	tng-cat-fairbin	plam	am	regex	orca	logically-unplugged	security	managemant-yak	cpm
nail		92	18511	39367	1401	5473	9515	5857	43840	3953	45184	39408
bugs	18125		57378	26425	27243	57412	44463	38207	9136	57402	32648	57412
pem	476	476		476	6761	513	5965	4191	4941	513	4170	513
tng-cat-fairbin	0	2	19		5044	46	3711	3747	4498	56	5840	44
plam	104	106	207	33		129	128	9	207	60	722	80
am	58	65	167	36	6468		831	3859	2379	151	2421	64
regex	5	89	117	23	855	12		6	83	21	59	17
orca	23	61	227	50	3097	165	2154		184	160	1308	100
logically-unplugged	69	24	97	90	1497	48	101	22		132	2056	84
security	1043	458	1153	1148	7269	1152	2012	4622	5467		4933	236
managemant-yak	125	52	152	138	117	141	2881	560	1640	21		28
cpm	19	19	5	19	6347	3	5544	614	2701	19	5816

Files with Deep, Internal Conflicts about the Nature of Reality and the Deep Truths of the Infernal Human Disaster:

Branches	TARGET
SOURCE	nail	bugs	pem	tng-cat-fairbin	plam	am	regex	orca	logically-unplugged	security	managemant-yak	cpm
nail		0	2	0	6	2	0	9	3	2	2	0
bugs	1		5	3	13	4	29	1	1	8	3	3
pem	4	6		5	41	5	26	10	25	6	4	5
tng-cat-fairbin	0	0	2		38	1	25	3	12	1	2	1
plam	4	7	14	9		1	3	5	13	13	11	14
am	7	1	8	6	42		15	12	29	8	7	6
regex	0	1	1	1	2	1		1	1	1	1	1
orca	9	11	7	6	32	6	12		18	7	1	6
logically-unplugged	4	5	6	1	13	5	3	3		5	6	6
security	2	7	4	1	23	3	20	8	21		3	1
managemant-yak	0	0	3	0	37	0	27	6	25	0		1
cpm	0	0	2	0	28	0	15	7	23	0	3

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in reply to @catball's post:

Kwisatz Haterade @LowBeyonder7/14/2023, 8:44 PM

This is entirely too accurate.

Being on an internal infra team I also get

Subject: Quick question
Body:

Yeah hey I did a thing but nothing happened why not?

Hey I saw a funny little hiccup on your frontend and it either means the network blinked for a second, or you broke the Frooboz Wizbanger, which would be pretty bad because then we'd lose all our money and get sued by German probably, but there's only like a 0.001% chance of that but you might want to look into it thx.

in reply to @atax1a's post:

cat @catball7/15/2023, 2:44 AM

if only we had some kind of computing machine to look at all our big matrices of signals! i guess we'll just have to email each other giant tables :-)