...maybe i'm just scared of social media at this point too
too scared of getting yelled at abt "oh you support child molestation because you have a broad acceptance to art" or "oh you're enabling pedophiles by suggesting people don't harass random trans girls without evidence" and it's just
i keep noticing myself retreating further and further away from talking to anyone. even cohost has stopped feeling safe since the whole debacle with getting yelled at by webarkers abt the art thing.
i keep isolating myself more and more from any online spaces except for the discord server i run for like 10 friends and just... not replacing it with anything. not like i have any in-person social circle to speak of. so i just keep leaning on the only people who actually put up with me more and more to the point it becomes a single point of failure that i'd completely collapse if i lost and
i just want to be okay. i don't want to get yelled at anymore. i'm just a random pokΓ©mon on the internet who barely feels her actual adult age, why am i stuck in the middle of all this.
and looking at other people who've been through this who are older than me (lexyeevee, for one) having the same experiences for even longer times... what actually changes, does this ever get better.
yeah yeah i know capitalist alienation and leftist theory and all the other stuff about how the problem is capitalism that i know deep and well, but... knowing that's the problem doesn't actually fix it in the short-term. even the weird psychosis that kept me Out Of It is starting to fade away and i just have so little left that i feel like it's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if i worry too much about losing what i do have remaining
i just want to be okay. why is that so much to ask for.
the trauma anniversaries are coming up too. the time i got told i was equivalent to some parasite stealing their old friend's body because i started acting different ("fractal is not ------, fractal is a mouthpiece of a dead cult and is not conducive to a healthy environment") was jan 6, the time i got smeared as a pedophile by those very same people (some of them knowing full well the accusations were complete bullshit) to try and get rid of me because they were uncomfortable with my presence was feb 1
and at the time and for the past while i've tried to respond by just existing strongly and presently out of spite, just being myself and saying fuck them. but the spite has run out so i don't have the social energy to stand ground, and i don't have anywhere else to run besides smaller and smaller community.
and i'm just tired.

