Genderfucked schizoqueer autistic plural plushie eevee mystics


one of those annoying vegans your unexamined ethical system warned you about


Seer of Blood (Wyatt) and Witch of Void (fractal)


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auramgold
@auramgold

i've seen a lot of trans narratives in terms of killing their old self, murdering the self that was constructed for the world, killing the False so that the Truth may live. and i've seen many trans narratives lean back towards the Old once they carved the space to explore, approaching cautiously the gender they once ran from to scavenge the pieces they liked from the shell.

i've also seen many plural systems express this in a different way: you killed the AGAB, and the AGAB came back. turns out they weren't entirely fake, just contextually limiting.

the AGAB self often ends up cast aside, or worse, a corpse, abandoned for a flashier New that leaves what Was in the dust behind. and they're often angry that they had to be killed so that someone else might live, now that they have had the space carved to truly Feel.

to exist pre-transition, to exist in that identity haze, is oppressive to both sides of that coin. neither side has the space to explore, but one side makes it easier to fawn for others into reducing your needs, and that fawning is what holds us back.

but at the same time, it's not their fault, is it? your sense of self was traumatized into a mould more convenient for those Outside instead of being allowed to form and develop naturally. it's not the fault of the one shoved tightly into the mould that the mould restrained you.

i've often described my pre-transition self as being "more mirror than person" by the time i broke out of that. i describe it as breaking the mirror, flowery language that, while symbolic, disguises what it truly was:

i murdered him so that i could grow beyond him.


but it turns out that that doesn't stick, does it? pieces of Self don't die like that, identity has a nasty habit of having a hell of a lot of inertia. and a while ago, i found that part of self, that spirit, beaten down, hidden away, being moulded into shape Out Of The Way.

in other words, he was being moulded into what was useful for me.

it was useful for me to be binary, to be just a "normal" trans girl (because otherwise no one in society would believe me), so the boy inside me had to die, be hidden, cast away.

he's hurt, damaged, and scarred, injured by a life of two different phases that didn't let him out of an ill-fitting mould.

but most of all, he's angry, he's resentful. why is he seen as the "lesser half?" why is he seen as less important than me?

often time, those parts rediscovered are forced into being a cute side character, playing second fiddle to the "real" identity. it's more convenient for everyone to pretend they aren't there, or if they are, they're safe to ignore, a tiny side note on a more important Main Self.

but isn't that just a third mould to be cast into? just another bound on the fact they can only exist if they're shaped to be Useful? that's a terrible way to live, and you'd know that too. their memories are yours too, you know what it was like before transition.

i guess what i'm saying is... those parts, if you find them? they're Real, they're Important, they're Relevant too. talk to them, listen to them. let them live like no one outside you is going to let them.

you don't need to take glee in their murder. you owe them that much.

listen to the self inside you repressed by the world around, let them find how they can exist, how they want to exist.

gender is more complicated than transphobic society lets it be, but you don't need to take it out internally.

they deserve a say, and you need to listen. they're a part of you too.


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in reply to @auramgold's post:

“you don't need to take glee in their murder. you owe them that much.”

“they deserve a say, and you need to listen. they're a part of you too.”

Counterpoint: No. Do what works for you, don’t prescriptively project your feelings onto other trans people.

Even though looked (largely still look -_-) physically male as all hell, I never "socially" passed as male from the start, and only provisionally managed to for a brief and miserable period of time in our 20s shortly before transitioning.

Despite this, that formed a headmate, and we're on good terms but he's really fucking depressed due to being the one fronting during The Bad Years(tm) and I wish I knew a better way to help him rather than just letting him rest.

I've spent too much time around transmasc people to ever really want the male elements in here to die. To the trans guys: y'know I see it, you've found something real and true and "animal" for lack of a better word about being male that has something compelling about it, rather than becoming a bulky bone-ridged beer-soaked husk that chose spite over joy 20 years ago (which is the "masculinity" I saw in my future and fled from like a bat out of hell). Honestly all I ever wanted was for the dysphoria to go away.