I don't think there's anything sadder than feeling like my body isn't real and that i don't look like ppl think I look like. in order to be content, I need to ignore my appearance or completely rationalize each part of it. I have mantras to help me cope, like "I look like a beautiful woman", "I look like my mom", "I look interesting, strong", "my body is an instrument and not an ornament", but this deep sense of emptiness fills me when I remember how I look like to others. I feel off and misunderstood when I look at my reflection. it feels like a VR. I'm always reminded of the matrix when I look at myself, and how everything is a game. it's like my reality is warped and I can see the bullshit right through that reflection.
sometimes I think it's a self esteem issue but then it just seems like a part of my DID, since it triggers the depersonalization and derealization. it feels like a boring character that I can't change mid game. I tapped the random appearance button and that's how I look like. but lord. 70 years of looking like this? I'll never experience the world through my true body? my essence? it makes me very sad.