This post has content warnings for: depression.
this is a diary
- she/her, they/them, he/him
y'know the early twitter and tumblr days when social media was for venting and posting pets, memes and food? that's my vibe. if u like queers venting and posting whatever, follow me
I'm 24, bisexual lesbian and I don't like terfs. I can post some depressive or angry things but I'm mostly good vibes. Also I'm a radical leftist.
God I wish COVID had a distinctive symptom. Like it turns your nose green or something. This whole "yeah so you can be asymptomatic and test negative on an antigen test and be contagious anyway" thing is such bullshit. Give us a fuckin' chance here, virus.
after I learned vaccinated ppl can sneeze with covid, I've been going paranoid every time someone sneezes
I don't think there's anything sadder than feeling like my body isn't real and that i don't look like ppl think I look like. in order to be content, I need to ignore my appearance or completely rationalize each part of it. I have mantras to help me cope, like "I look like a beautiful woman", "I look like my mom", "I look interesting, strong", "my body is an instrument and not an ornament", but this deep sense of emptiness fills me when I remember how I look like to others. I feel off and misunderstood when I look at my reflection. it feels like a VR. I'm always reminded of the matrix when I look at myself, and how everything is a game. it's like my reality is warped and I can see the bullshit right through that reflection.
sometimes I think it's a self esteem issue but then it just seems like a part of my DID, since it triggers the depersonalization and derealization. it feels like a boring character that I can't change mid game. I tapped the random appearance button and that's how I look like. but lord. 70 years of looking like this? I'll never experience the world through my true body? my essence? it makes me very sad.
This post has content warnings for: suicide.