autumndidact

Autumn in Winter

@autumndidact

apparently a milf

  • they/them she/her fae/faer ey/em

Sometimes I draw (#artumn) and sometimes it's horny (#artumnsfw).

18+ only because of that and rechosts to promote other artists.

Just drawings: @marimorgan

Priv: @versmut

Too much venting: @hitoribocchi

discord: autumndidact

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This post has content warnings for: I don't know what to tag this, I am in crisis because my emotions are a geyser that won't ebb and always have been, I need it to stop, I do not understand myself or have context for how to clearly warn about the nature of these feelings, Even when I've tried so hard not to isolate myself I still have been so I know nothing really.
autumndidact
@autumndidact
This post has content warnings for: spiralling, feeling like people are better off without me.
autumndidact
@autumndidact
This post has content warnings for: trying to figure out and explain all of the above but I'm clumsy and sad, while also crying for help.
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in reply to @autumndidact's post:

ring
@ring

I am so sorry you're feeling this way and I just want you to know that I have never thought of you as anything but a cool and kind person. What you're saying resonates with me; back when I started commenting on Massively that was actually a huge step for me because I used to have panic attacks about even casual, anonymous interactions with people online and I would spend hours agonizing over knowing I was supposed to reach out and try to make friends while also being 100% sure that nobody wanted me to. I still have periods where, if people don't react to what I post or don't seem interested in what I'm doing, I am dead sure I've caused such intense secondhand embarrassment that they are trying to clue me in without feeling like assholes.

I don't have this reaction to the things people post or who they are, so I'm not sure why my brain has decided there's some Greek chorus wincing in unison whenever I fail at being a human being. I do think some part of it is that sometimes that feeling is real--especially online--and when it's real enough times it's hard not to be on guard for it all the time. But anyone who is legitimately doing that is sad.

Anyone who feels pain just because you exist in a way that doesn't align with what they want is the fucked up one, not you. Someone who feels contemptuous or judgmental when you are simply being yourself is fucked up, not you. A person who would want a docile pet instead of you is fucked up. I can't say it doesn't happen, because it does, but it is a fucked up and sad thing and no amount of hollowing you out would make them happy, because they're trying to fill a hollow place in themselves.

For what it's worth, I am really happy you're here. You were one of the people who made me feel safe sharing my thoughts all those years ago, and I want to see what you're interested in and what you think about things. I'm not always great at engaging because I am 500,000 nervous electric particles in a people suit, but I think it is an unequivocally good thing that you exist and that you're you. If anyone doesn't, that's their fucking problem.

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autumndidact
@autumndidact

I addressed a bunch of this in my follow-up post, but some of this I wanna respond to personally.

Yeah, we're a lot alike. You made me feel safe the same way. I've had those panic attacks about casual interactions as long as I can remember. We share that terror of not knowing if we're insufferably awkward. FTR I think your awkwardness is charming as Hell.

We're so alike we vibed hard. Your interests that aren't my own interests are still fascinating to me the way you present them because it feels like the energy I wish I had for things. But our similarities were what made it so easy for us to fall out of touch, disappearing as we both commonly did, sometimes starting over when we came back.

I'm so glad I got to find you again. And glad that you were glad I found you. :host-joy:

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ring
@ring

I am VERY glad 💙💙💙 and yeah that is absolutely true. I feel like a ghost sometimes that way, although it's easier to not be a ghost creature over time. ;___; Brains are hard and uncooperative and being a human is a mess aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. But I am always cheering for you, and I hope this can be a good place to hang out.

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