i drooled all over my friend last night π
until i got up to pee and found half my face sticky and damp, and returned to a huge wet spot on its neck and chest and shoulder
seemed to get more mindful after that
... that's how hungry it makes me, it seems π
cum in the evening, eggs at breakfast
that's how an enby plays it π
"gay" isn't about gender or anatomy. it's a state of mind. an ethos. a way of being. a set if principles. a feeling.
i am simply azurelore. i am a non-binary fae girl thing of my own persuasion.
i am gay for my enby and genderstrange friends. i am gay for both girls and boys. that gayness feels different for and with each individual. it generally prickles differently for girls than for boys, and it's ever so cozy and warm and chummy with other enbies. but it also feels totally different for each girl, each boy, each enby.
to me, "gayness" is all about sincere care. it's about loving outside the defined allocishet cultural framework. it's this radical earnest open fondness and appreciation for the other, for all their peculiarities that make them a real, beautiful person. it's about awe in the universe of each other, rather than rote function.
the way i feel about boys i like, it's... well. it's extremely feminine and swirly and heady and makes me feel dumb and gaga and to pant with a specific kind of desire, but just because it's a feminine desire for masculinity doesn't make it feel in any respect straight to me. my love is as bent as my spine.
my girlfriends (and special close girl friends) make me feel flushed and obsessive and uncertain and dramatic, and like i am both deliciously owning a polar friction and indulging in a whirlwind of mutually affirming feminine energy. this crackle is so unmistakably, so viscerally dykeyβbut i don't feel i own the term "lesbian," or that it applies to anything i personally understand about myself or my love. it's far too specific a notion, and carries its own world of tones and themes.
with other enbies (whether masc or femme, neutral or other) in place of those transgressive affirming binary gender-play narrative identity prickles that make me feel like the world is exploding, there's this totally chill implicit mutual buddy-bond where we can relax and exist together without any mind to role or polarity. there so clearly are no rules that could apply to the language we find together, and the total lack of pressure, the level of commonality and acceptance is a revelation every time, every day. nobody can "get it" like someone else as removed from the system as me.
all these feelings are precious to me, and now that i know the sort of range the heart can embrace, have learned some of the spectrum of loves i contain and continue to uncover with every new person i let inβnow that i've tasted a sampler of the different flavors of connection available to me with trusted and beautiful friends, i couldn't live without any of them. and there's nothing "straight" to any of the things i feel. none of it follows the depersonalized transactional rules we've been fed by every aspect of culture all our lives. there's no performative sense of achievement, no propriety. it's all too honest. too anarchic, too individualistic, too compassionate.
the love i know isn't about social categories and functions; it's all about joy in the expansiveness of linking my narrow perspective with another that broadens my sense of what is possible from life. and that joy in connection, that elation, that freedom, that glee? that feeling of bigness and hope and inspiration, that i get from unabashedly Being Azurelore and sharing and exploring worlds with another? that buzz in becoming so much more from my love for a friend? what other possible word could there be, but gay?
the love i find in myself, as i delight in the endless complexity and beauty of a shared mindβregardless of the shape or frame of its host? the sense is such a transcendent gaity, that i could never feel another way.
in the lexicon of a modern queer are all these carefully tabulated granular categorical labels, that may carry more immediate precisionβif my goal in all this is to disassemble my humanity for a fleeting glance. some of the flags are really nice; i enjoy them and the defiance they show. i enjoy the ideas they take such pains to define. but i'm not a mediawiki. i'm not a list of industry-standard mass-produced parts.
i am merely azurelore. and i am ever so very gay.