𝔞𝔷𝔲𝔯𝔢𝔩𝔬𝔯𝔢 𝔤𝔴𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔬𝔩𝔶𝔫 𝔨𝔬𝔯𝔯𝔦𝔤𝔞𝔫 🕷️🍂

[eighteen hours ago]

days like today really make me appreciate that i don't have a developed uterus 😵‍💫💀🛌🏻

[now]

and today... 💀💀💀💀

had to cancel, reschedule an appointment i'd already rescheduled once. never mind drawing all that blood, there was no getting me there in one piece or sitting upright all that time.

the pain kept me up all night. amethyst turned up early to help and accompany me to the clinic, and found me prone and frazzled in a puddle of tears, unable to climb out of bed or make it to the bathroom unassisted.

they fed me ibuprofen and held me until i finally dozed off. i don't know where they are now, getting my meds for me? getting me groceries? spending more hours on basic shit for my benefit?

god i feel so helpless. more now than i ever have been, despite all those years of effort and recovery. i must be absolutely insufferable for anyone who has to deal with me in person. it's hard to see what i'm adding to their life. we never even do anything together but sleep.

yes this is just my period, yes they've always hit me hard, incapacitated me, made me weepy and weird and erratic. but no it's not just that, because i'm already so weak now. absolutely the wheelchair is a revelation, but there's no way i could carry it out or work it by myself.

like, these last couple days are a certain kind of extreme within my current situation, and of course things could always be worse, but the way i have been degrading since march, a bad day like this feels like a glimpse of every day for me before next summer. and i'm... not managing it, not coping. i don't know what to do anymore.

it's not like lying in bed and crying all day is new for me. been doing that all my life. but this is another level of dysfunction.

i don't like this. i don't like myself like this. i don't want to be awake anymore, when this is all that i am.