this is my ex-girlfriend precisely.
it's pathological, once you get past that bubbly mask she puts onβ
this cold, stunted, dehumanizing attitude dressed up in the language of hope and joy.
my little brother is right; beyond the surface details, she is basically the anti-azure.
cruelty casually deployed from on high, packaged with the most rigorous market-tested positive signaling value, like she's doing you a favor and now expects gratitude.
it really really sucks.
she really really sucks.
even if it takes a while to realize just how much she's fucking with you, denying the value of every feeling you have.
again with memory of how she marveled and wondered and mocked me for my emotional openness and lack of any kind of a false front.
she couldn't wrap her head around someone just being genuine, saying what they mean, not having any sort of agenda or goal in the words they choose.
...
well.
i think ultimately it's on me for inviting someone like that into my life.
as i say, it's not like i didn't see the red flags before i ever said a word to her. i just didn't know how to read the things that i saw, so i put aside judgment in mind of fairness and curiosity.
this is how we learn, i suppose.
and now i have language for all those subtle warnings, and i know all the better to listen to my inner "uh-oh"βeven if i don't yet understand what i'm seeing.
azurelore is a smart girl. and generous. if she says something is off, it probably is.
associated with this is her kind of gross attitude that any sort of "positive vibes" are inherently good and not to be questionedβindeed to be sought out at any expense.
ergo her inability to understand why i was upset that the first time she was ever nice to me, she was off her balls on acid.
the structural trouble that she had, in processing that this wasn't some straight-edge protestant moralism but rather about the essential insult behind the entire situationβ
about what it indicated that this is what it took for her to act like she gave any sort of a shit about me as a person or a partner.
and every time, the patronizing attitude she took with me, as if i were a child who failed to understand the nuances of a developed adult lifeβinstead of a friend and partner who felt hurt and whose feelings and well-being she recognized as important on any level whatsoever.
i am sure i have said this before, but,
fuck her.
i have no room in my world for abusive shitheads, no matter how cute and interesting and innocent they make themselves out to be.
there are too many good, earnest people in the world to pour my love down a mislabeled storm drain.