more personal shit
today just drained me. from the instant i woke up this morning ive had to stand by and watch the consequences of an act i played 4 years ago stack up like an endless stream of tetris blocks. i cried more today than i have in the past 4 years and all this after i promised myself last night that today i had permission to be happy and have fun. sorry, neither. what happened was a parade of what i could have had if i stayed at work instead of valuing my health more than my financial security. i was so confident in my decision that i had the audacity to go and write music that week. "everything will be fine" i told myself, "i wont let this get me down", and i believed it until april of this year. reality doesnt fall on you like a ton of bricks, its really a rain shower that never stops. it just rains and rains and rains on you until you're up to your neck and then you drown. it can take years for this to happen.
im so tired. i have no more tears. whatever happens to me next i have no choice but to just blankly stare and take it. im so tired.
