Phosphor [&]

something that I think about a lot is how I am socially farsighted - and not in the sense of being A Visionary.

I like to think that I am generally good at interactions with strangers, acquaintances, and casual friends - people with some amount of distance from me. I wasn't always due to being neurospicy and growing up in a shitty family, but it was a skill I found myself able to learn. I read about the nuances of boundaries and other social fundamentals; I pored over other people's interactions, noting their choice of words, the order that they arranged them in, the actions and the reactions. (and of course, I made a lot of mistakes.) while I am still not Suave or everyone's idea of Cool, I do think that I'm capable of reading a room, of handling conflict with some amount of civility, and of being a generally comfortable person to interact with. and it turns out that matters more than being Suave or Cool!

but with close friends and partners, I often feel like an ox. I can strap myself to a plow and till the fields all day for someone, but to steal the words of a friend, I'm bumbling and graceless in the china shops of their hearts. I struggle to see them. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the ways they see the world, can't seem to empathize with their unique pains, and often end up projecting my thoughts onto them without realizing it. my mind clogs up with "but what ifs" and stutters to a stop. I fall back on my scripts and my rules of thumb, and find them lacking. I try desperately to "fix" the situation, only to break more things in my bumbling - I withdraw, thinking that it's the best way to keep the other from being hurt any further, only to find that withdrawing was the most hurtful thing I could have done.

there are books and blog posts on everything from boundaries to love languages, but none on How To Truly Understand This Specific Person (And Apply That Understanding To Make Them Feel Loved).

this was something that I used to hate myself for. I no longer do. I didn't become that much better at navigating china shops. I still feel like I'm bumbling and graceless and prone to breaking things. but I no longer consider it proof that I'm poisonous, unworthy of love, defective. and as awkward and graceless as my love can be, it is real. it is strong. it may break things in china shops, but it will till the fields all day to keep those I love fed.

and the people who are close to me know this. as it turns out, not every relationship is the same. not every relationship hinges on your ability to flawlessly navigate the proverbial china shop. I may not understand the people I love, but I never give up on doing right by them. and they never give up on me. they know that for every piece of china I break, I'll work tirelessly to give them five more; I know that when I am standing, paralyzed, in the middle of the proverbial shop, I can trust them to lead the way.