Phosphor [&]

it's interesting encountering characters we super vibe with post-system-stabilization. like... a really common experience that gets reported in the plural community is brains making new headmates based off of fictional characters REALLY easily, to the point that some systems get nervous about engaging with media at all

and the thing is, we kind of can feel where that comes from, because we used to fragment easily. and we can still feel the process of that starting these days, but then it's... interrupted? and whatever traits that called to us from the character in question get integrated into us existing individuals instead, instead of aggregating into a new one.

like, something is absorbed from the media in question, but:

• something makes it hard for that something to coalesce as a headmate
• something makes it easier for that something to find its way to us instead

and there's kind of a sequence of thoughts and emotions as well that happens:

• meet a character
• feel this profound draw towards the character: a complex, aching mix of wistfulness, fascination, and yearning, like you've found something, someone that you didn't realize was missing.
• brain begins to go "well if this person is missing from us then there's something I can do about that" and begins the process of Absorbing the character, which kind of feels like a welling-up of a presence inside
• a partly unconscious process in our brain goes "wait. this isn't it. remember the other times we've made people like this and it didn't work out like we hoped?" and the presence abruptly dissipates
• this happens several times until we take conscious notice of it, at which point we begin going: all right, what is it about this character that calls to us? what comfort, strength, or clarity do they provide? what aspects feel hauntingly familiar? what traits do they embody that we feel like are missing from ourselves?
• and with every answer we find to those questions, it feels like a little bit of the character drifts over and settles in our own selves? like little motes of gentle, calm warmth.
• there is a kind of sadness too, as we realize that we won't get to Know that character and turn to them and rely on them, but also a calm okayness because the character was metaphorically inside us all along even if they won't literally be and that's pretty cool actually, that we can be our own heroes and mentors and protectors.

I think a big part of this is, we try our best not to hold onto ideas of who we "should" be, or "can't" be. it's like... if one of us who normally considered themself a loud and reckless person felt a draw towards a character because they admired said character's calmness and dignity, maybe they can also develop a kind of calm and dignity. just because they're loud and reckless now doesn't mean that they'll always be. nor does it mean becoming something other than loud and reckless will erase who they are. and maybe even like, they can be loud and reckless while also being their own kind of calm and dignified, because we individually also contain multitudes.

and as we go through this process, our brain is like "oh, the real something was in us all along! okay, making another person would be redundant so instead I will divert the good stuff into you."

it's hard to explain, and obviously we are not perfect at it, but I think stabilization made it easier. the thing that caused our stabilization was transitioning and fixing our external circumstances in ways that also addressed our Big Traumas. before, it was painful to exist in our body, which made it harder to exist in ourselves. and while life is still far from easy, it just... hurts so much less now. it's just so much easier to be now.

I'm not sure how much of this generalizes to other systems, but I see enough people anxious about nonstop splitting and enough people asking how they can stabilize their system size and not really any people talking about stabilization that I thought I'd talk about it anyway.