Phosphor [&]

well, I got to have the realization tonight that not only do I dislike reclear PF groups (my savage does reclears there since we don't have everyone on Thursdays), I just outright Cannot do them unless everyone is explicitly on the same page of "we're gonna keep going until lockout, or at least until a pre-agreed upon time."

series of events:

• first pull goes well but we wiped on meteors due to a strat misunderstanding
• second, third, and fourth pulls wipe to some LC1/RB1 flubs
• the monk mentions that they have ten minutes left and they have to go
• my bastard brain begins going "DID YOU HEAR THAT? DON'T FUCK UP."
• I proceed to go from playing very cleanly to fucking up, twice, in the exact same way (number 8 on LC1, mixed up towers and out)
• the monk has to go, and I apologize to the party, explain that my focus is lost for the night and I need to go too, leave, and proceed to have a hell of a panic attack.

like, everyone was great! no one was an asshole! it's just that apparently I'm DEEPLY incompatible with the dominant reclear party mindset in PF, the one where the goal is the result rather than the experience and people leave or get toxic if you don't clear in the first two or three pulls, and that dread follows me even into otherwise reasonable groups. and I'm mad that I did not realize this earlier so I could have excused myself before this, and helped people prog LC1 or get their first clear or something that's actually rewarding to me instead.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do with myself tonight. I'm one book away from my accessory and I want to get a clear out of spite at myself, but Bast has capital-F Forbidden me from raiding again until I eat and also calm down to the point that I don't feel like I have something to prove. he's telling me that the fact that I feel like I have to go back in and get a reclear or else I've Failed Forever is not the self-improvement drive speaking, but Evil OCD Brain. he's telling me that as I am now, every path back into raid leads to more misery - either I join a reclear party and panic again, or I join a prog party and feel tense throughout because I've hinged my self-worth on getting that clear to "redeem" myself. he's telling me that when this feeling happens, I have to turn away from it, to let myself embrace failure and see that it will not destroy me, instead of giving into the urge to ""fix"" everything.

(he is right on every single account and I hate it)