There was a discussion in a Discord I'm in about romantic attraction and I talked a bit about how I think these questions:
- "What do I want to do with the various forms of attraction?"
- "What do I need from various types of relationships?"
- "Does distinguishing between romantic and non-romantic attraction help me answer these questions or others adjacent to them?"
- "If so, then what qualifies as romantic attraction for me? How can I tell that I'm romantically attracted to someone?"
are a lot more helpful and relevant than trying to distill some Universal Answer to "what Is romantic attraction and how can you Tell if it's romantic?"
And in the process I was musing over my own answers to these questions, which I thought I'd share in case they help other people put a finger on their own! As always, these are my experiences - they may or may not overlap with yours, but they shouldn't be taken as some Universal Standard.
I think I would describe the Experience Of Being Romantically Attracted To Someone as like, having a Photoshop layer effect over my existing feelings about that someone. like all the same feelings are there but much brighter and sharper, sometimes to a painful extent! the effect gets toned down as I ease out of my initial Big Infatuation stage, but it's always present to a degree, and sometimes random things cause the layer effect to shoot up in intensity spontaneously. (like having an in-depth discussion about uniquely horrifying diseases during date night!
)
In addition to that, there are specific feelings that I associate with romantic attraction:
- The first is that I find the Object Of My Affections absolutely fascinating. I want to learn everything about them. Everything we do together is another opportunity to learn about them and from them. Every preference, every interest of theirs, every detail is hoarded and savored.
- The second is that I'll crave physical affection from them. Not necessarily in a sexual sense - things like cuddling, holding hands, leaning on each other. I Actively Hunger for it and will go out of my way to find ways for us to spend time together in person.
- The third is - for a lack of a better word - devotion. I already have a habit of getting too invested in other people, but with a romantic partner it gets even More than that. I want to fulfill as many of their needs and wants as I can. I want them to know that I find them fascinating and worthwhile. I want to be there for them. I want them to feel loved.
These feelings can exist in non-romantic contexts as well (for example I might want a hug from a friend, or be fascinated by someone online) but they don't exist to the same degree. In romantic attraction, these feelings are overwhelming, obsessive. I feel like I'm starving for more of that person. Once again, they taper off in intensity as I move out of the initial Big Infatuation, but they are always present and can spike spontaneously.
Also, unlike other kinds of attraction, gender influences romantic attraction for me. I've crushed on a variety of folks with a variety of genders, but I lean most strongly towards women (esp with Gender), nonbinary folks, and guys with Gender, Feminine Flavor. There are specific personality traits that help, too. Meanwhile, I can find myself wanting to be good friends with people, or find people nice to look at regardless of their gender, and so on regardless of their gender or personality (within reason).
As for why making this distinction is important: when I develop a romantic attraction to someone, when I get that initial Big Infatuation, my mind goes on a joyride and Cannot Be Trusted. All of my feelings have been set to 100% sharpen or whatever and my braincells are vacationing and I'm hasty and sensitive and anxious about everything. Like for example, I already have Issues with trying to always be perfect for people, but those Issues get injected with All The Stimulants and suddenly I'm having a panic attack because I took too long deciding on what food to get in front of my partner(s). I already have issues with giving people too much of a pass for Behaviors, but I will happily roll over and let someone I'm Into walk over me if it makes them happy.
I need to be able to tell myself to slow down, back up, and that starts with recognizing where it's coming from. It's the most problematic during the Big Infatuation phase, or if I'm Into someone who would be Not be good for me, but even in a happy, mutually great relationship where the Intensity has mostly simmered down (like my current ones!) I still need to watch my feelings sometimes. It's just not great for anyone - myself or my partners - when I get blindsided by a Feelings-Induced Antipattern.
(I'm aware that I'm making romantic attraction sound kind of, uh, inconvenient. And to be honest, it is. But I don't dislike it. It's genuinely enjoyable in the context of a solid relationship where everyone's on board. Kind of like having emotions in general!)
If I end up deciding to have a romantic relationship with someone, there are different needs and dynamics involved than a non-romantic one. I'm still figuring out a bunch of these, though. One I can name is that (as mentioned before) touch is a need in a romantic relationship - I may be perfectly compatible with someone who can't do touch as a regular friend, but we would not be compatible as romantic partners. If we're long-distance, it's important that we figure out ways to meet in person now and then. My feelings tend to get raw around romantic partners in ways they don't even with other close friends, so it's especially important that the ways we communicate work with each other.
(More minor examples: I will gladly kiss a romantic partner, if they're into it, but not anyone else. Flirting elicits a different reaction from a romantic partner than it would from a regular friend or a stranger.)
So as you'd expect, there are different considerations for me when deciding whether to be in a romantic relationship with someone versus being platonic friends with someone. And I'd write about that too, and also about adjacent topics like sexuality, but dinner is done and I am very very hungry
(fallen london stamps by