(fallen london stamps by anyway, sometimes I lie on my back and think about being in a system that is bodily Chinese, about considering myself Chinese-American through and through, and yet internally looking like a white anime twink. pale skin. white, wavy hair. green eyes. how do I even feel about that?
and I think my answer is... I'm fine with that, actually! if anything, I... like it?? it has personal significance. I look a lot like the tragic JRPG antagonists and tragic JRPG heroes we imprinted on as a child and that's weirdly soothing. whenever I see a character with White Hair And Trauma it's like "!!! a Cousin! another one of my Species!"
and yeah, it sucks that this is probably because of a lack of representation, but it is what it is. I'm not going to solve racism by entering a weird self-hatred spiral over this or giving myself internal dysphoria by forcibly changing my appearance. (not that it'll even stick. I can't even give myself permanent viera ears lmao) our individual existences are messy and paradoxical, and that's fine. actual real people do not exist to Be Representation
the thing that I'm not fine with is that some people will be Weird about this, especially people who somehow think that the answer to racism is policing the way PoC experience themselves. but, eh. people being Weird about race on the Internet, what's fucking new