reluctantly I tear myself away from my reading, as I am near death. I walk all the way home from the University, bleeding and limping and cursing, and dunk myself through my mirror. I roll around and around in the grass as my revolutionary leader-on-hiatus friend loiters nearby, peeling oranges and occasionally giving me advice. eventually all of my wounds turn into figs. I offer her some. she declines politely. I dunk myself back through the mirror and into my lab, scaring the fuck out of my students. I return to my reading.

from https://www.reddit.com/r/GardeningUK/comments/pym1b6/every_year_husband_tries_to_grow_the_biggest/

this is the Dream

IT GOT MORE

(original link)

bringing these absolute units back for the newbies

The Lazy & Cheap Girl's Guide to Plants!

My place is jam packed with plants, and I have a great veggie garden and I know people think that's expensive or takes a lot of work? And honestly, nope to either. You don't even have to know that much about plants, I don't even know what most of mine are called except the edible ones.

So I thought I'd make a tutorial on how to have a green thumb without really trying!

Indoor houseplants

• You really don't need to baby them, they do just fine outdoors. Just try and mimic nature.
• Over watering kills plants, under watering leaves them a little crispy around the edges at worst - but they'll survive. So I don't water on a schedule, I just leave my plants alone til they look a little fucked up then I give them a heavy watering till the dirt in the pot is drenched. (Healthy vs thirsty leaf below)

• I mostly use terra cotta clay pots with drainage holes on the bottom. They're cheap at the hardware store or on craigslist / Facebook buy nothing group / yard sales, and they're breathable so they make it pretty much impossible to overwater and kill the plants. Totally idiotproof. You can put cute crystal or glass dishes from the thrift store underneath to prevent spills when you water
• But you can also get creative with your plant pots. Any random shit at the thrift store or around your house that lets excess water drain out? Plant pot. You can even get a glass cutting drill bit and drill holes in old cups or glassware. Plants in glass looks pretty sick, since their roots show.

• I don't use "starter" pots, I think small plants are too easy to kill by transplanting, so I just plant them wherever I want to grow them, even if the pot is big.
• You can get an idea how much water a plant needs by how thicc it is. If it's thicker, like an aloe, it'll be able to hold water. If the leaves are thin, it'll need water more. Some are a surprise though, like spider plants have underground tubers that hold water.

How to save a dying houseplant!

1. Water it. Give it a day.
2. If it still looks bad, check for bugs. I treat bugs by first removing the plant from the pot, giving it a rinse in the sink (get a drain strainer), putting it in a new pot with new dirt, and then giving it a spray on the leaves with a bottle of water with a drop of neem oil mixed in. Then I leave the plant in quarantine away from other plants till I'm sure it's better. But if it wasn't bugs?
3. Check for fungus. If it's got any, wash your hands and get some scissors, then cut off the parts with fungus, being careful to not touch and spread it. Then unpot the plant, give it a bath with a few drops of dish soap in there, and then rinse it clean. Repot it in a clean pot with new soil. But if it wasn't fungus?
4. if it's in direct sunlight i move it to a spot with indirect sunlight. And vice versa. (A grow light works too - and the white lights look nice and sunny indoors) Give it a day or two.

1. If it still looks bad, I take it out of the pot and look at the roots. If they're crispy like thin uncooked spaghetti, the plant went too long without water and you should remember to water that one more. (i keep all the thirsty girls on one table so I don't forget). If the roots are mushy like overcooked spaghetti, you've overwatered it. A healthy root should feel like al dente spaghetti, solid but flexible and not crispy. It shouldn't come apart in your hands. Also if there's mold or bugs in your dirt, that's the problem, get new dirt
2. If none of that was the problem, move it to the bathroom for humidity. Unless it's in the bathroom, then move it out.
3. If it's been cold, and the plant gets mushy and shapeless in the leaves or stem, it basically got horrible plant frostbite and the cell walls are burst open. Whatever's mushy can't be saved, hose it off. If it all comes apart? R.I.P :(
4. If literally none of that worked, I just give it away lol

How to do this for cheap or free

• Get dirt from outside. If you're in a city don't take it from the parks. But on an unrelated note, how do you feel about "investors" who buy up housing to leave it vacant?
• Anyway, you can de-bug that dirt by cooking it in the oven (maybe go on craigslist or Facebook marketplace for a cheap or free toaster oven to do this in - it will make your oven smell weird) or pouring boiling hot water over it till it's damp, then spreading it out in the sun to dry.
• Like I said before, anything can be a plant pot. Empty tin cans with holes poked in the bottom work - just don't grow edible plants in there because the metal leaches into the dirt. Terra Cotta plant pots are the cheapest food safe ones I know of - Home Depot has some from $1 to $4
• Buying fruit and veggie seeds is so worth it, you can get a bag of 30 types of veggie seeds for $10 to $15 online and that grows hella food. Or you could get a single veggie bag for a dollar or two. Or try sticking seeds from your groceries in the dirt and seeing what grows! Just look up how much space they need if you're growing them inside.
• You can propogate plants by taking a cutting. if it's a succulent or cactus, putting it on dirt that you water weekly, or if it's any other plant, putting the stem in water with the bottom few leaves cut off. I love trading cuttings and just taking a cutting of any plant I want growing in the wild. Be patient with them and change the water every week or two, and wait till they grow new roots to put them in dirt

• You can take cuttings off your own plants to create ~exponential plant growth~ spider plants are the best for this because they "spider" off mini plants. All these and more came from one mother plant:

• You can grow a lot from grocery scraps. If something has seeds or a pit, plant it. Otherwise, google how to propogate it from scraps. Once you get in the habit of doing that with all your fresh produce, you'll not have to buy nearly as many groceries.

(I think I'm gonna make a separate post for outdoor / veggie gardening bc this is long af and that's a whole post in itself!)