I tried to write a thing about that Starcruiser video that's going around, but I just don't have it in me. I can't even watch it, and not because its bad or anything, it just makes me lonely. Which is a weird reaction to four hour video about a closed theme park attraction I never visited by a person I don't know. Its even not really about the video, it's about the pages and pages of exultant or hostile reactions to that video that just leave me feeling adrift. And I recognize this is all in my head. I don't know.
I think it makes me lonely because I just... there's a mode of being a Star Wars fan that is very, very popular, and very, very different than how I operate. And I'm really glad if you vibe with it! You have a big, happy, strong community out there that shares opinions and doesn't, I dunno, whatever
There's more to my life than Star Wars, but it pops up in other places too. In my religion, in my politics-- I don't know, do you ever feel this? In my family, even, sometimes. That, like, 90% match with something, that just makes that 10% discontinuity feel insurmountable and vast. Sometimes I think the loneliest place is after you find your community, not before.
I'm probably still in a pretty depressive episode from my dad dying, too, so there's that in the mix, I don't know.
I really don't know, internet Star Wars blog. I really don't know, complete internet strangers who follow me. You ever feel lonely in this? You ever feel close to the thing, and then a comment or a take or something makes it apparent just how outside of it you actually are?
I don't know if that's a parasocial delusion on my part. I suppose it is, actually, it's not like I'm actually in conversation with anyone. Nothing's disrupted, actually, there aren't any actual relationships to disrupt in the first place. It's a feeling that I don't belong, not a fact that I don't belong. I don't have enough connection to a community to be in contention with that community, any community, even Star Wars, and its literally all that this thing is. That's odd and sad in its own right.
I don't know what to do with this! I guess just keep writing things for myself, that's all I can do. I don't know. I hope we all like Acolyte. I hope I get to be in the fold for that one. We'll find out when we get there.
