Hey, we don't know you, of course, so our words may ring hollow. But please believe us when we say we mean them.
We have never quite been a danger to ourselves, but there have been plenty of times where we have... only been able to think about taking our life. And it's terrifying, how those thoughts take over and we can't stop them.
Life hurts and that's not fair. You don't deserve to feel alone, you don't deserve to feel afraid. We are sorry you are going through this, but please believe us, it's not your fault.
You mention that you have spent your entire life trying to be empathetic, understanding, reach out and be better. That is the best, most beautiful, most worthwhile thing you could be doing (alongside taking care of yourself). Most beings don't try to do bad, but much fewer beings are willing to learn and be open. Fewer beings are willing to listen, to help. You should be proud of yourself! We are proud of you, we promise.
You may or may not have hurt others. Maybe recently, maybe in the past. We don't know. But... Hurting others is, regretfully, a part of life. Just as getting hurt is. And it fucking sucks! But we learn from pain. We learn how to be kinder, gentler, smarter and more compassionate. We know it's hard, but you can learn to love your scars.
It's also super duper possible that you may be too critical on yourself! We know for a fact that sometimes we do things that make us hate ourselves, make us cry. Eventually we bring it up to the others in question and they tell us, they weren't really hurt. Or, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was a small hiccup that can be talked through. And it's so hard to believe. Why don't they hate me? They should hate me.
But you don't deserve hate. Few beings do. You are trying. All you can do is try. You don't smell like shit. It's not your fault. The world is cruel, mean and unkind, but that's not your fault.
It can be hard to believe things will get better. It's especially tough in a capitalist world where you live to work. But there are people out there who care about you, and there are those you've yet to meet who will also care about you. There are friends to trust and friends to be made. You deserve love. You deserve patience. You deserve kindness. You deserve understanding. You deserve guidance. You deserve a hug. You deserve warmth. You are good, and you are worthy. You are worth it. You are worth people's time, you are worth their attention, you are worth their empathy, you are worth their love.
Keep going, please. Reach out. Reach out to anyone you know, anyone you trust. To strangers, if you need to. Just like right now. And if no one responds, keep trying. We know you are tired. We know it's unfair. But keep going. Please.
Finally, we've never tried a suicide hotline, but. Try giving one a call. A kind voice can make all the difference, and maybe maybe they can point you in the way of resources you can use.