I live my life by a saying that's been very important to the way I perceive my life for a long time:

"If everyone in the room smells like shit, be sure you're not the one that smells like shit."

Essentally, a vulgar, inverted version of the golden rule. If others are inflicting harm onto you, you are probably inflicting harm onto them. And the ways you can inflict harm onto others isn't necessarily obvious.

That being said, I've spent my entire life smelling like shit, despite my best efforts at outreach, understanding, empathy, and trying my best to improve. And the conclusion I've reached is that I'm simply a permanent net negative on the world, no matter what I do or what I try.

I've dealt with suicidal ideation for years, but it's never been worse than it is today. Probably the only reason I didn't commit this morning is because my habit of going to work kicked in first. I'm hoping that being kicked into my work personality for nine hours will be enough to stave the suicidal ideation for just a little bit longer, maybe so I have the extra time to find a therapist that isn't already fully booked.

I'd say I'm not asking for empathy, but that's a lie; I am. Just say something nice to me. Please. I'm begging. I'm breaking under the raw quantity of self-hatred in my brain. I know nobody actually on here is my friend, but I'm also linking this post to people I actually know. Please, I'm begging for help. Anything. I don't want to die.


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in reply to @bck356's post:

Hey, we don't know you, of course, so our words may ring hollow. But please believe us when we say we mean them.

We have never quite been a danger to ourselves, but there have been plenty of times where we have... only been able to think about taking our life. And it's terrifying, how those thoughts take over and we can't stop them.

Life hurts and that's not fair. You don't deserve to feel alone, you don't deserve to feel afraid. We are sorry you are going through this, but please believe us, it's not your fault.

You mention that you have spent your entire life trying to be empathetic, understanding, reach out and be better. That is the best, most beautiful, most worthwhile thing you could be doing (alongside taking care of yourself). Most beings don't try to do bad, but much fewer beings are willing to learn and be open. Fewer beings are willing to listen, to help. You should be proud of yourself! We are proud of you, we promise.

You may or may not have hurt others. Maybe recently, maybe in the past. We don't know. But... Hurting others is, regretfully, a part of life. Just as getting hurt is. And it fucking sucks! But we learn from pain. We learn how to be kinder, gentler, smarter and more compassionate. We know it's hard, but you can learn to love your scars.

It's also super duper possible that you may be too critical on yourself! We know for a fact that sometimes we do things that make us hate ourselves, make us cry. Eventually we bring it up to the others in question and they tell us, they weren't really hurt. Or, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was a small hiccup that can be talked through. And it's so hard to believe. Why don't they hate me? They should hate me.

But you don't deserve hate. Few beings do. You are trying. All you can do is try. You don't smell like shit. It's not your fault. The world is cruel, mean and unkind, but that's not your fault.

It can be hard to believe things will get better. It's especially tough in a capitalist world where you live to work. But there are people out there who care about you, and there are those you've yet to meet who will also care about you. There are friends to trust and friends to be made. You deserve love. You deserve patience. You deserve kindness. You deserve understanding. You deserve guidance. You deserve a hug. You deserve warmth. You are good, and you are worthy. You are worth it. You are worth people's time, you are worth their attention, you are worth their empathy, you are worth their love.

Keep going, please. Reach out. Reach out to anyone you know, anyone you trust. To strangers, if you need to. Just like right now. And if no one responds, keep trying. We know you are tired. We know it's unfair. But keep going. Please.

Finally, we've never tried a suicide hotline, but. Try giving one a call. A kind voice can make all the difference, and maybe maybe they can point you in the way of resources you can use.

Thank you for your response. I've noticed just now that pain is a lot like love, in the sense that when you give it away, more of what you gave is created.

...I don't really know what point I'm making there, but I guess those things don't really cancel each other out either. They just kind of stack up. Between the response I've received here and to other people I know, I am genuinely feeling better, though. I appreciate the share of kindness you've given me.

♥ It makes us very happy to hear you feel better. We are happy to help. We only hope that things can get better for you. We hope today can continue to be a better day.

We are super duper happy you have also received responses and warmth from others you know <3

We agree with you! When you give love away, you make the world brighter. So it is important to take leaps of faith, and openly love, you will receive it back <3

And similarly, when others hurt you, it's only natural you may hurt others. People hurt others when they are hurt. So, if possible, get away from people and spaces that hurt you.

Whatever you've done, I've done worse. Whatever you feel about who you are, there is no evil that cannot be unlearnt. For a long time, I thought I was born evil. But I eventually found people who loved me, even at my very worst, and I realized that what made me evil was my environment. And I changed more than I ever imagined, and I became someone I am really proud of.

I can provide comfort - you're a nice person who has genuinely been cool to get to know on here. Your comment on my post about VTubers was super nice, and hell, I learnt a new word when you posted about subitizing based on the SCP. Neat stuff.

The tragic reality is that we don't have the technology to cure these mental problems, and that pisses me off. Obviously, if you haven't already, get therapy and get medication. I can't give you too much, because I'm not trained in any kind of way, but here's what helped me the most. Find friends that play games. D&D, MMOs, whatever it is that can be done together in times outside of work to keep you occupied.

Have at least one person you can confide in about what you've done that makes you hate yourself, someone close (it's ok if you don't have someone like that yet). Is it hard to admit all the things you've done? Hell yeah. But having someone who can actually hear what you say and still accept you? It makes a difference, at least for me. Just make sure you trust that person. If they don't accept you, don't beat yourself up, just move on and find someone else.

Big love to you. Hope this helps.

What I've found is a constant frustration towards embracing happiness, and I bring this up because it relates to what you said, is that I can't fight the doubts with logic. Like, I could throw a logical ratchet at my emotion brain like "You know it doesn't make sense that you're arguing in favor of your uselessness, there is quantifiable good that you've done sitting right there", but the emotion brain doesn't care. It just swallows it like a bare exception handler.

I'm glad that framing the feelings of your doubt in the context of your environment helped you, but I'm not as sure that it'll help me. I had a VERY good upbringing; loving parents, comfortable income, overall lots of stability. If anything, putting the context of how blessed I am, against the context of how I ended up, feels like weakness compared to the people with even worse lives and yet stronger wills.

But I don't think that's what it is either. With a relatively firm grasp over my logical brain right now, I would say that the feelings of doubt and self-hatred come down to not giving as much back to the world as I received. I want to learn everything about the disadvantaged, why they've ended up that way, and take steps to fix it.

And, I mean, I guess it's working. I think? I'm not sure.

Cognitive dissonance, without knowing what the sources of the dissonances are, is a hell of a thing. Hopefully I'll get there in figuring out what it is. And I want to thank you for being a part of that discovery, however large or small it ends up being. I'm glad I contributed positively to your life, even if it's about small and silly shit, and if it keeps going that way, that'd be damn swell.