"age", for me, feels... weird.
like, in calendar terms, i was born just over 41 years ago. in queer community terms, i'm still a baby… only really grappling (at least in any practical way) with my experiences in not fitting the cisheteronormative mold for roughly one year. (and what a year. i mean. damn.). and, currently, i have the hormonal system of a mid-teen girl with all the associated impact on mood, with the slight upside that however old i look to other people, it's definitely under 40.
there's probably a thesis/antithesis joke somewhere in there, but i'll skip it. the rest of this is already rambling enough as it is.
within my own experience of actively grappling with queerness, and coming to terms with how that shapes my life in society and is opposed to the dominant social narratives on development, gender, relationships, community, etc… there's this implication that it has always been there, just unrecognized. (the slogan, "born this way", doesn't, or at least shouldn't, imply some biological predetermination, and yet it fees like it's taken on that connotation by society at large.)
it is probably difficult for me to describe in a way that makes sense to anyone who hasn't experienced this awakening(?) in a similar way (and those who have, i'd guess, already know exactly what i mean here, and can probably guess at and recognize the themes this rambling), but i'll try…
it's not like i just woke up one morning and declared i was trans. that shit had been on my mind, at varying levels of intensity, for years before it could surface above my incredibly dissociated subconscious long enough to articulate the discomfort i felt, never mind being certain enough in it that i could express it to my (so far in my life, presumptively cis and straight) wife.
if you've read any trans coming out stories, this should be familiar territory, and it seems similar to many queer coming out stories, where coming out first requires that recognizing an identity within yourself that isn't commonly modeled, or even accepted, in the society you live in. it is a process, and like all processes it requires time, care and intention.
so, what did that struggle feel like, exactly? it was only in the last several years, maybe since 2015 (to guess at a date), where that internal conflict took on words that pointed at a trans identity. in the decades prior to that, all i can say is that it was more… unease and, sometimes, pain when i recognized that many the ways society was built to facilitate my development, the experiences offered and compelled to me were, in fact, not meant for me, and i didn't fit in them.
(there's a refrain which surfaces in my mind, whenever i consider this reality, and i am legitimately curious how many find it relatable. for me, it's always in my mother's voice, it's always talking to a very young version of me, the phrasing varies over time, but it goes like: "how dare you be so egotistical, to think that you're so special that these experiences which everyone else found fit themselves just fine do not fit you! just how special do you think you are?". i recognize it as total bullshit these days, of course, because it is… yet it plays anyway…)
anyway, to say i did not appreciate the developmental milestone on offer to my younger self would be an understatement. if i achieved them, it was due to external pressure, an internal need to be accepted, or rarely, some way i could make them feel in line with my internal self (i went to college not to get a degree, but to escape far away from my home and parents). and when they were achieved, i felt no pride. the success meant nothing.
and back to my original question. what is "age"? how do you develop when society fast tracks you in a direction you don't want to go, and at least in your social world, offers no off-ramps? I look at my ostensible peers in non-queer society, other 40 year olds, and not only does my life look nothing like theirs now, but i am increasingly aware that it never has. And when i look to my peers among queer community… i want to say i feel so much in common, but in truth, so much is still unknown. i do feel more of a "warmth" there, more kinship. but i still struggle with having been given a developmental map meant for a cishet man, feeling compelled to follow it, and in doing so, remaining ignorant that these other queer developmental paths existed. only finding my way to them now.
i'm 41, but i appear like i'm somewhere in my mid to young 30s, i have the emotions of a teen, and socially feel like i should just be entering college. and i haven't even touched on where i feel in terms of sexual development, which is a whole other very personal topic that still feels too nebulous to talk about anywhere but in the safest of settings.
from what i hear, this is actually a pretty common feeling and path for queer people, especially late transitioning trans folk. and it makes sense it would be. but… goddamn, it's hard when the same social pressures that kept me moving along the wrong path for so much of my life want to convince me i'm just "immature" and that the place i fit is already provided if i'd just give up on being so precious and egotistical to simply accept it; but i know it won't fit.
