you cowards. i'm weird and my query was weird. ANSWER WHAT I ASKED
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in reply to @bethposting's post:
I installed the Google Verbatim Search add-on.
Now when I search for something weird, Google gets upset and gives me a huge box that says "It looks like there aren't many great matches for your search", followed by two results, one of which is a great match for my search
I'm pretty sure what that box really means is "we don't know how to place ads on this :("