Founded Sagexpo.org in 2000 (retired). Got my Mario fangame on TV with 1m+ downloads. Been streaming before Twitch existed. Writes a lot. Explore my Linktree!


My Asks Are Over Here
blazehedgehog.tumblr.com/ask

Something about watching Twitter implode and seeing a lot of familiar (but not too familiar) faces here on Cohost has lead to a lot of introspection on my part about my role in and on social media. Why I joined it, and what I've done on it.

I've talked about it enough on Tumblr (read: probably three times) that some people have actually gotten sick of it, but I went through a period of major depression and deep, deep anxiety that lead to me bombing out in high school and spending 8 or 10 years basically pretending (and maybe secretly wishing) I did not exist. The thing I always think about is that, when I rewatch Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and I see Cameron laying in bed, telling Ferris how he's sick and dying, that was me. But I didn't have a manic pixie dream friend to pull me out of the muck and send me on a whirlwind adventure around... I dunno, Chicago? Did Ferris Bueller live in Chicago? He mentions Chicago. I don't know enough about what Chicago looks like. Just because Abe Frohman is the Sausage King of Chicago doesn't mean that's where they are, right? If I was in California, I'd still tell people I was the Sausage King of Chicago regardless.

Ahem.

I spent a very, very, very long time where the only people I spoke to in person was family, and even then, barely. I lived with my Mom, who I spoke to on a daily basis, and I saw a small handful of cousins, aunts, and uncles a few times a year for holiday events. Online, I had a few friend groups, but depending on the group, I always held back. I didn't want to be known, I didn't want to be anybody. Some friendships I had crumbled because I was not in a good place mentally. I had friends in school that hurt me very, very, very badly, the literal cause of this entire depressive episode, and I was fearful of trusting anyone. For some of the people I know today, it took years of me lurking around them before I felt comfortable, like some kind of domesticated feral animal.

And the weird thing about all of that is... most people don't realize it, but when you stop being social, you kind of... forget how to be social. All the cues that become intuition, everything we learn from observing it in others... if you don't observe it in others, you don't learn it, obviously. And what you did know, you slowly begin to forget, because you never use it. You even kind of forget how to talk, because you never open your mouth to say anything. It's like the muscles forget how to form words properly.

At some point after I turned 25, I started to realize how bad this was. Not necessarily everything I just told you here, because some of those realizations came later, but a part of me knew that I couldn't just dig myself in to a hole and wait for death.

It's funny, thinking back to when I first joined Twitter in 2009. I think the very first thing I used it for was to tweet something inane at Tyson Hesse. I don't actually remember what it was, but I know I was still too afraid of being known, so I registered some throwaway name like BIGKDIETROOTBEER or something, because that was the soda I happened to be drinking at that particular moment. After a few months of using twitter on and off in this way, mainly to be a Reply Guy, I decided to just go ahead and be myself. Perhaps something in my body just craved socialization.

The problem, of course, is that... I hadn't really socialized in years. And I said a lot of really dumb, awful things to people I ultimately respect. Because I just didn't know how to say what I was thinking. I still don't think I do. Or my perspective on some social issue was just... bad, because my social skills had atrophied to a point where I didn't know what I was talking about. And the worst part is, I'm 99% sure I also have undiagnosed ADHD, and something that goes with ADHD is a selective and poor memory, which I've always had in spades.

So there are instances where I've been blocked by people and I can't remember why. Or the only memory that sticks out is that I said something stupid one time. What did I say? I can't remember. But I know I did something wrong, and I can't just ask them what it is. That thinking trapped me in a new prison for a long time, where I was insecure about my ability to be social, and I was haunted by mistakes I didn't understand at the time (or even remember, now).

So now here I am on Cohost. Obviously over the last 13 years, my socialization skills have matured at least a little bit. And I see some people on here and I think...

Is it okay, now? Am I okay? I mean, no, I'm not okay, nobody is ever okay, but surely I can try again, right? I mean, in a lot of cases, they probably can't remember what I did either. It's the internet, and blocking people is one of the easiest things we can do. It's easy to become overwhelmed and read a situation incorrectly, and I say that as someone with long time personal experience at this point.

Maybe I can stop living in guilt now. Maybe it's normal. Or as normal as it can be, at any rate.

Hello. I'm sorry.


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in reply to @blazehedgehog's post:

I've lurked around Sonic communities for pretty much my entire internet life. Though we've never spoken before, I've seen your name a lot. You seem alright to me.

What I think is very important to keep in mind is that, in the bad old days, everyone was also, frankly, really young and dumb. I think at this point, anyone who was your peer when growing up, has also done a lot of growing up themselves. I see it all the time; oldbies who thought they were a big shot back in the day, are now dealing with many of their own personal problems and come back with some regret for how they've acted in the past. So yeah, I suppose you're not alone.

Being social is a skill, and like many other skills, everyone starts somewhere. I know this very well, because I'm also trash at being social. Something about Cohost makes me want to try a bit harder, though. I've put it down to "good vibes" for lack of a more concrete and rigorous analysis, but regardless, I'm here now, and I'm slowly warming up to reaching out to people.

And I think you seem to have the right mindset as well. You've got a clean slate here, so just, be yourself. Follow people who look even remotely interesting to you. That's what I'm doing, and so far, so good.

That's honestly been one of the most therapeutic things I've realized over the years: that nobody is ever alone. Everybody is going through something, we just had a harder time figuring that out when we were younger. The brain is a strange machine that acts out in ways we only understand later in life.