i feel weird posting these thoughts on the scorched earth syndrome post that is going around so i'm putting them here
one of the worst things about it for me is the learned helplessness that comes with it. i get to points where i try and "enter my self-improvement era" or genuinely try and maintain a fulfilling hobby and... feeling like it's a futile effort before even starting! or doing a couple of days and just... bracing myself for the (at this point what i perceive as inevitable) failure
nothing has stuck before, why should this?
and ultimately there is so much stuff out of my control! the need to Labor to receive Money to Exist fucking sucks, but it affects the ways in which i exist in very significant and unavoidable ways
i'm planning on getting an adhd eval this march and i am scared. scared of it not being that and being something else wrong with me that i don't know and don't know how to fix. but i'm also scared of getting a diagnosis and getting treatment, thinking it will help, and then not working, just like everything else.
it sucks feeling like there's no good solutions but... it really feels like that